S. tells me about the missing lobe on the left side of the human chest; a space carved out for our hearts.  I know some of my friends are agnostics and atheists, yet I can’t help but see God’s authorship in that missing space.  A place missing only God can fill.

I used to stay awake very late out of fear, now it is grief.  I hate to admit it but the grief stage that resulted in  lack of appetite was more cosmetically useful.  I would not go back. 

I don’t tell the kids about the Chris Rock monologue that haunts me.  He talks about how you know the bad parents because they assert that “at least” they are meeting basic requirements for their childrens’ care.  Food, water, shelter:  all basic.  Protection from sexual abuse was in that list–necessities for all my children.  Yet I failed.

I constantly feel the pressure against that missing place in my chest.  I think we all do except Sea.  He tells me he is better, wills me to believe it.  I never will.  The hole in my chest is there to remind me.