The car was dark and I was not driving when he said that he would go head first into a truck if he had to go to prison.

Cell phones cut in and out. Did he say head into? Drive into?

I was not sure how to put words into a string of meaningful units. All I could think of was how awful that would be–a spreading tragedy.

I said,

As your mother I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want you to kill yourself.

I also would prefer he not kill anyone else.

I need to say these things out loud but I also need to say–I think his impulse for self-preservation is very strong.