Your homework assignment…sorry:)

First of all I want to thank anyone who has read even one of these posts. I know how hard it is to discuss or think about the abuse of children. I don’t like it anymore than you do. in fact i have slogged through a month of these posts on the incredibly common blight of sexual abuse for this reason- i am distributing the burden and responsibilty to all of us. now you know, sexual abuse is everywhere and hurts us all.

i am asking you to do at least two of the following things:


forward or recommend this and the last blog post to someone.

call or email any public official and ask that they sponsor legislation to prevent juvenile records for felonies from being sealed or expunged

tell my story

tell your children our story and warn them from an early age

do not cover up or excuse sexual abuse

make sure that abuse victims get all the help and support they need

thank you,


The list

So before our family knew that we were the victims of a sexual predator in our midst, I knew that the statistics for all sexual assault and child sexual abuse in particular were underreported, I just never realized by how much.  I never knew how many ordinary, wonderful people had experienced the loss of their innocence as children, mostly at the hands of a friend or a family member.  I had no idea.  I have been so grateful for every person who has shared their stories with us and value their anonymity, but I still think that someone else should recognize the shear numbers I am talking about.  So I am going to compose a list.  This list is only of private citizens who have either shared their story directly or a family member has shared it with us.  The list will have the following components:  the relationship of the perpetrator to the victim, the age of the victim at the time of abuse and stars next to perpetrators who had some legal consequence for their action.  Let’s see how this goes…

1=age 0-10

2=age 11-17

3=adult sexual assault



Brother* 1

Father   2

Stepbrother 1

Stepbrother 1

Father 1

Brother 1

Friend’s father 1

Father 1

Father 1

Uncle 1

Unspecified male relative 1

Pastor 1

Male relative 1

Mother 1

Father 1

Brother-in-law 1

Coach* 1

stepfather 1

stranger 1

stranger 3

male babysitter 1

male babysitter 1

acquaintance 2

friend’s brother*1

friend’s brother 1

acquaintance* 3

brother 1

male relative 1

stepfather* 1

stranger 1

mother’s boyfriend*2

stranger 2

stranger 3

stranger 3

grandfather 1

grandfather 1

uncle 1

sister 1

female babysitter 1

male relative 1

male relative 1

male relative 1

father 1

teacher 1

teacher 1

teacher 1

family friend male 2

family friend male 2

male relative 1

male relative 1


I have to say I do not believe even this list is comprehensive to the people I know.  It does not include several of C’s victims just because they have not been categorically confirmed.  Add five for him alone, and then there are at least another five I know who I do not count because they are not fully confirmed.  I do think there have been additional people I have talked to who know or are abuse survivors who simply did not tell me there stories.  So think about the diagram or circle you could draw with more than forty children whose lives have been scarred by sexual abuse, people who have been raped.  When i review the list i realize how many more people i would add if i included family members of perpetrators.

I am one person yet I know over 40 people violated by sexual abuse.

How about you?

Who do you know suffering alone in the aftermath of abuse?  tell them our story, tell them they are not alone.  break the silence

Pitcairn Island

Months before, maybe even as much as a year before we found out that C was a sexual predator we heard a segment on NPR about Kathy Marks’ book about the child sexual abuse on Pitcairn Island. 

Most people know Pitcairn for its role in the mutiny on the Bounty.  Pitcairn packages itself as a remote paradise but it is not.  It is a classic example of what happens when the rule of law is not enforced.  Possibly from the beginning of its troubled history Pitcairn has been the scene of sexual abuse and domestic violence.  Men would routinely rape young children and the islanders turned a blind eye to the abuse.

I have to admit that I did not want to own the book Ms. Marks wrote about this situation.  I hate all of these stories.  But eventually I did buy it and I now recommend it for everyone.  It is well-written and informative.  I want to personally thank Marks for writing it and to tell the victims who spoke out  that they are not alone and that their story helped me to do the right thing for my kids.  I was so outraged by what happened to them that I knew what to do to help my kids.  They did the right thing to speak out.

And the predators who hurt them got a slap on the wrist.

Pitcairn is an example of what happens when you ignore, make excuses for, or protect sexual predators.

If you are a survivor of abuse, please know that you are in my prayers

a year ago

C would call me up on the phone regularly (pay phone) and badger me to send him his birth certificate and social security card.   Since he has been at the halfway house his goal has been to be independent–he wants his own apartment.  He wants freedom.  Normally diligent employment focused on self-reliance would be very good.  The only problem is that C wants these things for privacy and for his entire life he has only and ever used his privacy to harm people.

a letter for lucy

Lucy, oh speaker of the truth.  I did not want to rant and wave my cyber fist all over fb but you are right about one thing emphatically–pedophiles are very expressly crafting their message on the success of the homosexual movement.  If you look at the language of pedophile groups (why this is possible in the first place is a rough question mark)  they openly adopted language that echoes pr surrounding expansion of marriage rights.

  I dont have the stomach to discuss pedophile terms or organizations but they are out there and they are aggressively determined to normalize pedophilia.  If we see an expansion of the definition of marriage we will see the next frontier move out quickly in two directions–lowering (considerably) the age of consent and polygamy,

 I sincerely hope that the homosexual community in toto would help fight efforts by pedophiles to co-opt their campaign. i have to say that my friends who are gay have been uniformly kind, generous and supportive while the reactions we have received from the Christian community have been mostly very painful,  I repeat that again, mostly very painful with a minority of kindness and support. 

I hope everyone will read this carefully–I have watched and been grateful for a society that a guards the dignity and personhood, the right of safety and equal rights for people who are GLTB,  I wish my children had that kind of support as sexual assault survivors.  Most abuse victims suffer alone. 

I think it would and should take a combined effort by all of us–gay or straight to help keep children safe and I have been grateful, very grateful for every single person who has offered their kindness or support as we try to survive what C did to all of us.

mission school abuse

this day is dedicated to all the children who were  molested at a christian school, in a church or rectory, by anyone in a clerical or teaching position, all over the world thousands of children have been raped, intimidated, horribly abused under the name of Christ.

If we call ourselves Christians we have to do something or else expect judgment

Matt 18

not our reputations.

Roman Polanski’s known victim

A few years ago the New Yorker did an article about Polanski’s rape of a 13 year old girl and the way he has evaded consequences for this for years.  Many celebrities support Polanski despite the fact that he is a child rapist.  Weird.  He also exhibits classic pedophile behavior–seeking out teenage companions.

It amazes me that no one seems to question whether or not he is a decent or even legally safe parent. 

I am afraid that his public behavior suggests his private behavior is not safe for children.  It certainly was not for the girl he drugged and raped when she was just 13.


Dahlmer, father of Jeffrey, wrote a book.  When he wrote it he was roundly mocked and scorned–as an opportunist?  as a poor candidate for parenting expert?  Probably both.

I have a handful of books that I bought grudgingly from Amazon over the course of a year.  The first was Sibling Abuse and one of the last was Lionel’s book.  I had a nagging feeling I should and combined with prayer eventually I did.  I was glad I did, I learned a lot and none of it was fun.  A Father’s Story is not overly graphic and not at all sensationalist.  It is the haunting story of  a father whose son became a monster.  After I read the book and told the kids about it we looked JD on wiki. 

Today I am dedicating the blog to all of Jeffrey Dahlmer’s victims, including his own family.  Not only does the suffering he caused defy imagination, it would have ended much sooner if the police had cared at all about protecting his target group.


One of the things I gained form Lionel’s book was the tendency of ordinary people around psychopaths to enable, look the other way, rationalize or just choose not to investigate closely.  Psychopaths capitalize on their ability to coop people to accept danger lies.  Don’t.

Michael Jackson’s children

went through a period of their lives where they were only seen in public wearing masks.  Like Mardi Gras style, not surgical.  During this same period of time we had two very loud and frequently prone to public tantrum foster/adopted children.  I thought one way to distance myself from their outbursts would have been to put them in Mardi Gras masks and if they started to misbehave I could shrug and say I was just babysitting MJ’s kids.  Poor MJ’s kids, they always looked perfectly well behaved.

After Jackson’s untimely death I thought about his children a lot.  I know they  must be grieving so.  And yet their father was such a strange character often noteworthy for his outlandish behavior and appearance, but at one point most notorious for the allegations of abuse of young boys. 

More victims. 

Sometimes I want to tell these kids en masse, you are not alone.  You would be surprised how many ordinary kids just like you have suffered through abuse feeling alone and “different”  when you are not the different one, you are simply the victim of a crime.  A kind of crime that should be first prevented and then punished if prevention doesnt work.  But once someone has been identified as a child molester, they should never, never be alone with children again.

They have already proven that they are not safe and not trustworthy the very first time they abuse