I try to establish timeline–
It was the spring…close to Passover
How long had you been dying?
How long had you? he retorts, not angry, incisive.
Surely I have touched a nerve, who else gets bullied for coming back from the dead?
But it is the one question he answers, the one time I hear his speaking voice–
Same as you, from the moment I was born.
John 11:14 NIV
[14] So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead,
I tell him the questions I still have which remain unanswered, and when we are sad together I ask him about his singing voice, say I don’t worry about the faults in mine anymore
Both of us so far gone now
Past the scrim of polite society
John 11:1,3 KJV
[1] Now a certain man was sick, named Lazarus, of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha. [3] Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.
In the waiting room, I try to act casual, as though I have not followed him here, studied his story, combed it for gaps and terrible silence.
I prattle on about my own sodden sorrow
Unsurprisingly, he is an excellent listener.
But he holds his peace, his haunting piece, tragedy and conjecture, punctuated by improbable
Glory
John 11:3 KJV
[3] Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.
In my hunger I sit with him, follow him from room to room. Marvel at his silence
He does not have to tell me what we both already know, but I trail him regardless
Want something from him
Whether it is what he saw so long ago now or what he will not say
About the days of our mutual confinement
Of course, neither of us chew
scoop cold water to our waiting lips
In the congregation of those
Waiting for bright sunlight
Resurrection
He moves up the wall quickly, ascending over three thousand vertical feet in a little over 3 hours. We all marvel at him, as well we should, that kind of hubris and fearlessness is an altar to the human spirit
Who fails to see the God who held him there
All along
I go back to Alex’s choosing the rocks over the ladies
As I count days and hours and minutes and seconds
A slow hunger crawl
All fat girl dependence not on
Finger strength and will power but the dorsal strength of a lullaby–
I have a dear friend who signs notes to me you are greatly loved. Which is cool, right?
On one of my phones I have played with the tag phrase at the end of emails. I am not sure anyone needs to know I have sent this from my iPhone, but perhaps they need a Bible verse, and exhortation of some sort, or to know they are greatly loved?
Sometimes I forget it is there. Sometimes I read it and think this snarky email I am about to send needs to be edited for snark if I truly believe the recipient is greatly loved. Sometimes I acknowledge it but then delete each letter because the mayor or the police chief or the college professor or college president already thinks I am crazy as a loon and annoying and foolish as well.
The phrase itself is not the strongest iteration of the idea. It is in passive voice. The active form is just I love you, which can be the most exposed and committed utterance when rendered true.
When we love someone enough to fight for them
When we intervene on their behalf.
When we are willing to be desperate or look foolish for them.
When we are willing to be misunderstood to keep them safe.
When we go hungry for them
Or give up jobs and honors for them.
Or when we call for help on their behalf.
When we give them our voice because their voice is young or small or taken from them.
They are greatly loved because love demands fierce and extraordinary things.
…..
A few days ago I was in deep mourning thinking about the sheer number of people who have decided that either I was not good enough for love, or worse, that God was not good enough for love.
I cried over this, and opened up YouTube to pray and sing through this grief. Matthew Mole’s You are loved appeared without a search or a place on my history.
God does that. He leaves signs all around us that we are greatly loved. He sends leaves falling over us, pennies shining on the pavement, songs which feel like lullabies, setting and rising suns–all love letters with the same matchless
guarantee–
You are greatly loved.
–John 3:16
We went to two concerts last year. One was at Whitewater Amphitheater and the other was at the Majestic in San Antonio.
While Whitewash was not bad, we were told that we could not bring in blankets or toys and we were searched at the gates. The people working there were actually helpful, but the excessive restrictions were oppressive.
By contrast, the Majestic concert was amazing. I realized that being treated as a valued and valuable guest made the Majestic a place I wanted revisit, while I will avoid concerts at Whitewater.
Believe it or not, this is not actually about venue policies.
I composed a several sentence reply to new, additionally restrictive policies at WA, then deleted it. Because I probably won’t go back, I just emailed them, why?
And suddenly that one small question meant the world to me. Sometimes silence is a form of cowardice, but this time it was power.
As soon as I sent my why I realized it applied to all the unanswered questions I had about far bigger questions than why Whitewater Amphitheater won’t sanction me bringing in a purse, a blanket, or a deck of cards to a concert I have to pay to attended.
I never have to go there again. They need to prove to me that they understand my value.
Not the other way around.
Never forget that God speaks your very own special language.
Matthew 10
If you need prayer, please comment.
Children are notoriously voiceless, which is why Lindy West’s crusade to “shout your abortion” is so very tone deaf.
In this country and in many countries all over the world, women of childbearing age may have the right to kill their own small daughters and sons, but once that procedure has resulted in the death of a child, it no longer belongs to the mother to shout.
Mother–see how ironic that sounds.
We have to shout for…
…the voiceless girls
Who have lost their lives, their right to shout
For daughters
For sons
Forever missing
Their voices.
Elealee's Blog 