The distributive property of addiction

The thing itself seems too big and awful–she liked to shoot up in the bathroom, the list of people who enabled her suggested a big bathroom


Why do this thing? Where do the needles come from? Where do they go after? Do heroin addicts have sharps containers?

I make the elements of the equation as simple as possible–

Keith died of it

Mary died of it

It must have been a doorway

Why do you walk through that doorway the first time?

What is through the doorway that is so compelling that you must go back–no matter what

What were they running from?

She tells the story as though they were just cooking bacon

Who lets a 4 year old cook bacon? Who lets a 4 year old watch a fire burn or find their own way floor to floor to grandma’s apartment?

Who falls asleep on the bus back from the methadone clinic

With a baby

My baby. My baby now

I cannot turn away

If x equals the thing you must have and y equals the way it makes you feel

Then they were simply bound to x because of y

Like sky or free diving

there is a rush

But this time, this thing, chained her to it, brooked all reason

in the blood and the brain you cannot undo


The soul again

Genesis 12:13 KJV

[13] Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.

Modern translation–I would rather live without you than die for you

It is as though Abram knew he must treat his soul like a kidnapped child–my soul must live, sister, let my soul live.

It feels like chattel to me, the moment Abram exchanges his wife for his alleged soul. We are all cowards sometimes, I know this, but it is amazing that this guy is the guy by which all redemption covenants are measured and paid.

For what good does it do for a man to

Gain the whole world and lose his own


God gets her back

Because God never breaks a promise


When Mary talks now on the Fisher-Price phone of loss, she speaks with a five year old’s falsetto. She is breezy, upbeat even, and we exchange pleasantries through the medium of her daughter’s voice.

Mary, the girls have your laugh, I try to tell her before the line cuts off. Mary, I always wanted to be your real mom, I tell her before the line clicks off. Mary, that last day haunts me. The girls talk as though you still have the giant carnival unicorn, as though you tucked it under your arm and carried it right through

The earth will soon dissolve like snow/The sun forebear to shine/But God who called me here below/will be forever mine

gather the souls

Genesis 12:5 KJV

[5] And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother’s son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.

My daughter has to do a slide show about very small souls, cupped in the hand souls, lost at sea souls, their tiny lives made consciously insignificant by human design alone

There are quiet, tree-lined lanes in the arteries of the capitals of the world where pretty twins play while their siblings become the interstitial jigsaw pieces of a world built without reference to

The souls they had gotten in Haran

What is a man’s soul?

And what will he give in exchange for it?

For what does it profit a man

If he gains the whole world

And loses his own soul?

At the corner of “happy” and “healthy”

A couple nights ago I came home late from work and stopped to get pizza for dinner. It had been a rough day so I decided to get some dessert from the Walgreens next to the pizza place.

I had not shopped in this store for months because the pharmacists there had refused to fill prescriptions for ivermectin during a portion of the pandemic . They do, however, dispense mifepristone and misoprostol for the purposes of ending pregnancies.

(I should not have broken my embargo. My partner told me they had begun filling ivermectin again, but that was not enough to justify my lapse.)

I bought chocolate, soda, tea, coffee, bottled water, and at the checkout counter the cashier offered me a “new credit card.” I reflexively said no, but she said it was “a reusable gift card that could be given as wonderful Christmas present.”

I bought one,

As I was returning my cart to the store a man was lying in distress in the parking lot. A young woman stood beside him on a cell phone. I called to them and asked if they needed help. As I came close, she said that she had been passing the store when she saw him fall off a steep ledge next to the store. His head was gashed and bloody, as was his hand. He seemed to be in shock and kept insisting he did not want EMS or a hospital. Her mother had come to help and was calling 911.

I sat down with the man and talked to him until the ambulance came.

His Good Samaritan was in tears. I told her that she had done everything right. She had stayed with him and called for help.

When the police and EMS arrived, I left. Picked up the pizza and went home.

After dinner I looked at the “Scarlet” card the woman had sold me. It was not a credit or gift card, it was a card that required setting up an 8 dollar per month bank account. I emailed the company and told them I had been misinformed about the use and function of the card and wanted to return it.

The next day I went back to the Walgreens and asked them to refund my money for the card. I had the receipt and the unopened card.

They refused–not store policy. I would have to contact the card company to do that. I told the manager I wanted her to show me how to do that, as the contact instructions had a labyrinthine complexity to them.

She attempted to call “Scarlet” and her own Walgreens help line for over an hour and could not get through. Finally, I got through based on extra instructions from the return to my email (call the number and just keep pressing 1)

A man named Duke took my address and told me I would get a refund in 10 days.

I told the manager I had avoided the store for months only to have this happen. I told her about the ivermectin embargo and the abortifacient endorsement. Then I told her I had been at the store during the man’s distress in the parking lot.

Her answer was swift–he is a drunk. He came here last night and then was back this morning for alcohol.

I looked at the array of cigarettes behind her. People had bought them from her during my hour in the store. When she told me what she thought of the man I realized it was odd that the Walgreens employees watched from the store but offered no assistance. When asked they provided a partial roll of dispenser paper from their restroom. I suddenly wondered if the young woman’s distress had been heightened by attempting to get help from them?

I said, yes, you sell cigarettes and alcohol. I see that. Just don’t let a job rob you of your soul.

Carry Us There

My granddaughters lived through some pretty rough times and for one reason or another they are unfamiliar with Bible stories, so we are starting from the beginning with Adam and Eve, Noah and those guys.

As I watch the stories unfold with them, I am struck by how fraught with tragedy these stories are–worlds fall fast and hard.

Human history is the story of carnage, destruction, and foolishness with a single bright thread of light running through it

To a cross?

To an agony I cannot imagine, an impossible math problem of justice and love.

Only One who can save us is Jesus

And when he does, nothing remains the same

Awake, Oh Sleeper

Little One says

Is mommy sleeping in heaven?

No, I say

She is wide awake

Dancing and singing

I wish I were in heaven

Little One says

No, not yet dear

Let us sing and dance together as though this were the porch and the lights from the house were burning bright

Stay with me here on the porch for awhile

We will dance and sing out

grief and hope together until

These ancient gates open wide