hannah, rachel, and rebecca are beautiful names; but then i am pesky enough to like cassandra, mercedes, and veronica too

I keep thinking about before..

Before C. I would have told you that I wanted to tell everyone that God loves them and is inviting them to his party aka Heaven.  Then I would have said I wanted to help parents to keep their children safe.

This would be my ordinary psa–

be careful backing up/if you don’t have all the children with you make sure someone is watching them/never put a baby car seat behind a car/ double check everything/drive very slowly/if you feel any resistance stop car and investigate

then i would have said

children can be demanding, if you get to the point when you start to lose your temper it is okay to put the child/children in a safe place and take a time out

rest/pray/breath until you can handle the kids again

it is okay to ask for help, to take care of yourself esp. to do things to help you feel healthy/be healthy

if your baby seems very fussy or cranky check to see if they are teething, if they are feverish, achy or uncomfotable

when you get frustrated with a fussy child remember how fragile children are, remind yourself how much you would miss this child if they were taken

the last item i learned from Veronica, who owned my heart long before she was taken

I admit I am a shameless user.  I love the wordpress vibe.  It is mellow and cool like several other web sites that I am only familiar with because I am a shameless user.  This is what I mean:

first, I rarely think anyone is listening/reading what I say.  I am the equivalent of some of the quirkier people you might see on a busy urban street conducting a heated discussion with themselves.  I see this as shouting into the void, internet quixoticism.

second. because I tend to monologue, I see this as internet graffiti–I spray paint my words out on the wall of the net and do it art for art sake, hoping some waylayed passerby might think my “tags” are of interest

three.  there is a lot of cool stuff on the internet and I am not cool stuff.  i am middle age crazy.  the only caveat is I am crazy about my kids and by extension their welfare and by further extension the welfare of others, especially other children.

four. I don’t know how WP does what they do or how they make money out of it, but I know that I am not making them any money.  again, internet graffito artist.

five.  i don’t read as much as I should about what else is out there.  time. kids. busy.

which brings me to this,

tonight I looked around at some of the other stuff out there.  pretty cool.  but where is God?

why is there no God category on WP?  Is He hidden somewhere between hobbies and books?

We love Arrested Development and we tend to quote it a lot.  There is an episode where they stage Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam and George Sr. is supposed to be “God.”  He escapes and a woman cries out “there is no God!”  Funny, right?

Only even I can see that if our egoism, hobbies, obsessions are crowding out the Real God.

Something is missing.

Everything is lost…

if i were less of a slouch i would take a picture of the inside of my refrigerator and post it online.  my refrigerator always reminds me of my mil and it seems like an accurate gauge of my external cool, my pr.

my fridge ranges from clean and organized to messy and messy.  it is not pristine.  it is a off kilter and dusty on top.

i also need to eat better.  i am a stress eater, an emotional eater.

i need more time to squander on my family

this is protestant confession

this is internet graffiti

this is what i would work on if i didnt continue to have futile conversations with the state about the derelict, nay, medieval system behind the scrim of the juvenile system.

just after i wrote the last post M. and S. came in and told me that when they play with their small universe of  toy people they sometimes use the soundtrack of carmina burana.

I laughed and rejoiced at the beautiful invention of their world; no longer weary.

Jesus said, come to me, all you who are weary, and I will give you rest.

Weary is different than tired.  You can be satisfied and tired.  Weary is when you feel like you are giving up.  That’s it, you say, too tired for the exclamation mark.  i give up.

i feel weary.  i often have this feeling, the urge to go along.  with what?

with the social convention surrounding what embarrasses people.  many times a long silence from someone signals their discomfort.  the silence tells me they are embarrassed.

Sometimes I want to speak directly to that silence and retort, do you think this what i want?  i want…

i want

em to know she can tell her story fearlessly

when she tells me she is scared

i know she has reasons to be scared

people do look at you differently when you tell them you are broken

but then, who are they kidding?

we are all broken

memorial stones.

today has been five years since my father’s crash.  i miss him and see him in my children’s faces.

S. tells me about the missing lobe on the left side of the human chest; a space carved out for our hearts.  I know some of my friends are agnostics and atheists, yet I can’t help but see God’s authorship in that missing space.  A place missing only God can fill.

I used to stay awake very late out of fear, now it is grief.  I hate to admit it but the grief stage that resulted in  lack of appetite was more cosmetically useful.  I would not go back. 

I don’t tell the kids about the Chris Rock monologue that haunts me.  He talks about how you know the bad parents because they assert that “at least” they are meeting basic requirements for their childrens’ care.  Food, water, shelter:  all basic.  Protection from sexual abuse was in that list–necessities for all my children.  Yet I failed.

I constantly feel the pressure against that missing place in my chest.  I think we all do except Sea.  He tells me he is better, wills me to believe it.  I never will.  The hole in my chest is there to remind me.