Leonard wrote about being sexually abused by an olympic trainer when he was a teenager.  After years of battling this secret alone, he has spoken out.  I am grateful for his courage and believe his openness will ultimately help others.  I think it is especially difficult for men and boys to confront abuse because of the stigma attached to the issue of same gender sexual abuse of boys.

Just as with female victims, male victims of sexual assault are not more prone to become offenders nor is there a reliable connection between sexual abuse and gender attraction/preferences. These are just two unsustainable mythologies bred in the utter absence of reliable data.  Too many victims never speak out for us to have any way of knowing what their private struggles are.  That is why I am so grateful for Sugar Ray and others who do speak out.

I also do believe that the silence and isolation caused by stigmatizing the victims of abuse ends up causing tremendous harm.  Sugar Ray has been courageous about discussing the emotional problems created first by the abuse and then by years of silence.

Help break the silence.

Thank you, Sugar Ray Leonard

Last night something miraculous happened.  Our baby learned his first word.

M was holding him in her arms talking to him about signs.  As we discussed ASL signing and gestures earlier babies had used we realized he already had a sign for come here!— a chubby little hand beckoning.  It is a powerful first word and is usually accompanied by a joyful smile.

We practiced the word over and over.  It was a mitzva. I love words and so am particularly gratified to see them hold power in the mind of a small child.  A small beautiful boy.

But it also reminded me of another little boy, one who did not have the same early experience of the joyfulness of words.  This little baby was still struggling with words when I met him at almost 3 years of age.  By all reports he had not felt or received much security or attention, placeholders for love.

My whole life with Sea I wished I could undo this early neglect from a time before I knew him.  I grieve for him and grieve for the damaged that ensued.

We all must know that we are seen, loved, valued and that can happen in a single Word.

John 1:1

(shibboleth rocks, boys)

Confession:  there are monkeys that know more than I do about blogging and the internet

Accolade:  Margaret you rock!!!

People have told me some pretty strange things when I tell them my children were abused by their adopted brother.  One of the more offensive offerings is–at least your sons were not abused.  Huh?

I believe this statement comes out of some pretty destructive mythology:

opposite sex molestation is better??? NO!  All sexual abuse is criminal rape.

male victims of sexual abuse are more likely to offend?? No!!!  So much stigma is attached to abuse that statistics are wildly unreliable.  Pedophiles are shameless liars and their victims feel constrained to silence because of stigma.

Sexual abuse leads to homosexuality???? NO!!  Again, no reliable data and if you look at victims of abuse of both genders it is doubtful that they would say gender-attraction choices were attached to abuse either way.

So what does this have to do with Corey Feldman? 

I am extremely grateful for his candor.  I am glad he has spoken out about what happened to him and others because it helps to let other children, especially boys know that what happened to them was NOT THEIR FAULT.

And as for Sea?  He would self-identify as a heterosexual virgin even though he raped children.  He sexually abused both boys and girls and for the record molested babies and animals as well.

That is uniformly predatory and very difficult to talk about.

I am grateful for Mr. Feldman because he is one more person who has helped to break the silence.

there are a whole set of numbers in my head

good numbers

like the day i wed

or the days God gave me children

but there are bad numbers too.

the day my father crashed

the day he died

the day i lost veronica

and the day my daughters told me that they had been abused

the day Jesus died

today we remember His death

all my shadow days fall beneath this one day

when the world went dark

in grief and deliverance

Okay, so my plan is to highlight the stories of sexual abuse victims for the month of April.  If you are a private citizen and have told me your story, don’t worry, your story stops with me.  But I do want to honor every last celebrity who has identified being the survivors of rape or child rape as a part of their story because each one has given me strength to tell our story.  Tomorrow I will explain the story of how all that happened but today I just have one word, one name–

Oprah.  I would not have the courage to tell our story without you.  Thank you Oprah, for my voice, my children’s voices, for the knowledge that we are not alone.

Thank you

has haunted me ever since i learned that she was sexually abused by her half-brother(s).

she is forthright about it in a sketch from the past.  i believe this abuse was contributing factor in her struggles.