Rodents (I have loved and feared)

Dearest A,

I have already told you the nutria story. I think about my dad and his inspirational message of stoic courage whenever we see nutria at the river.

They come quite close and are reasonably lovable–orange teeth and all.

But I have other rodents in my past. For instance Mouse–red, worn, lovable, constant. Stuffed, so no plague risks.

When I was in Thailand our bungalows were infested with rats. They were so noisy I thought they were monkeys on the roof. Until the night one swung over the rafters onto the mosquito netting sending us all to the boys’ cabin. Five Americans in a double bed. I slept at the foot. Feet.

The next day the man pulled desiccated rat carcasses from the eaves. Like we had unsettled an ancient burial ground.

Then there was the boat to Yang Shuo. Kay said she saw a rat. Said she was moving to another cabin. I swapped bunks with her. At 4:30 in the morning I wake up to the curious gaze of a rat sitting on his haunches–squirrel-like and contemplative. No more sleep for me.

And then there was the year the rats were bad on the coast. They starved out the neighbor’s birds. They ransacked feed beds. They gnawed fruit left on the kitchen counter.

We told ourselves–mice. Silly us.

Until the night of the great racket. A rat shimmied down the wall in the bathroom. J checked but saw nothing. I opened the door and it scurried into the darkened bedroom were the children slept. J was not concerned.

He has a cat allergy. I have a rat phobia. As he slept I ruminated–it is me or it, I am bringing in the cat!

Zippy–always intrepid, stalked the rat throughout the room speaking words of predatory intent. Finally satisfied she curled next to my daughter’s head on the pillow. We slept till morning.

At which point dear J bought traps and caught the entire rodent clan living in our attic.

My dear soft-hearted love–
B

The Survivors

It was a swish dinner at a faith-based gathering. The professional, well-heeled white folk were chowing down on their deep-fried exotic game.

A pediatrician asked me why our family structure had changed. I was still hoping someone would do something, so I told her.

Stunned silence.

Afterward the doctor and her friend were surreptitiously imbibing when I apologized for casting a pall over dinner. They accepted my apology and chided me for my temerity. They gave me suggestions.

Memorable suggestions from a children’s doctor and a social worker–

Don’t talk about the victims

Don’t tell what happened to them

Decide what you want from people then soften your message to reach them.

Such well meaning criticism. But it still shocked me. Not because they did not care about my children’s safety.

Because they did not care about theirs.

Milk Names

I once lived in a country rich in cultural rules and ancient traditions. One I remembered: give your children ugly nicknames so that the spirits will not snatch them away. Seemed logical.

As a Christian I adapted this idea somewhat–live in a broke-down house, even live a broke-down life, but treasure the eternal.

So I did. My house was a mess. My hair was a mess. My children were bright orbs of light. I thought I had it mapped out.

But I had not calculated the cost of broke-down minds in our broke-down life. Everything like shattered glass in their heads.

I am shocked by the damage. I survey the damage. No easy answers, only the beacon of truth–our lives themselves are the houses, mansions, temples, of the eternal God of love.

Who will give us our real
Names
Someday.

The Failure

I did not win a short story contest
I did not get a job as the director of an ESL program
I did not convince a church to protect its children
I did not lose the last 30 pounds
I did not fix my adopted children
I did not know my children were being abused

I have never convinced my mother I am not a monster
I have never convinced my adopted daughter to get the help she needs
I lost Veronica.
My adopted son is a pedophile.
And in a comical twist, I was reminded (again) that I was a graceless knucklehead when I was younger
Good reminder–I still am.

Not famous
Not “successful”
Increasingly wrinkled.

But
I know a man
Who spent one day
Being a complete loser
For me
And when things get hard
I hear his voice
Echoing through the wreckage–
Don’t worry, little one,
Just follow Me.

I fought for her.

I look at my daughter. She is tall and beautiful now and uses words that make her sound older than she is.

She is up late writing. She loves to write. She struggles with things she shouldn’t–when she gets hurt she apologizes.

I am sorry, Mom, I am sorry.

She says even as I try to comfort her and reassure her–getting injured is not your fault. I am so sorry you got hurt.

I blame her abuser. He taught her that she could not trust her instinct. He was wrong.

But others were wrong too. They told her to hide. They told her she was not worth the trouble. They did not defend her.

I did. I did because it was the least I could do.. She is my daughter–more precious to me than my own life.

I knew how to fight for her because of love.

Love fights for the children.

Then he builds a wall around us with his own pain.

And never lets us go.

Men like trees, walking…

Mark 8:23-25 (NIV)
He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man’s eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?” [24] He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.” [25] Once more Jesus put his hands on the man’s eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.

His sight restored.
There are modern stories about people born blind who, when they are restored to sight, struggle with the relationship between the words for things in the dark and the words for things in the light.

What I mean of course, is that an apple you smell and feel and eat is not always recognizable as a red or yellow fruit with a smooth skin and a core.

These modern folk have had to strive to revise their scope of the world and it has felt dangerously unsteady. Sometimes a “safe” blindness can feel more familiar than a vertiginously new world of sight.

Jesus heals this man in two stages–he first restores the physical mechanism of sight, then he gives him the language to go with his new world.

I think that heaven will be like that–our senses broadened and restored. In fact, the Sermon on the Mount is the primer for the language of heaven.

Do you want the language and culture of paradise? Then by all means abide with the world’s only native speaker–

Jesus. The Word made flesh.

Bethsaida

Everything in the Bible is connected–all water leads to other water, all bread leads to other bread.

The symbols are intertwined and all meaning is the purvey of God. God uses the Bible and its narrative voices to call out to us.

Hello! I’m here! I love you.

So when Jesus tells the man not to go back to the village I wondered why?

Sometimes people who want to follow Jesus are commanded by him to return to their communities. Some are enjoined not to. This man is in the latter group. Why?

bethsaida is a city with some history. It means house of fish. Hometown to several disciples, it was also a Geshurite city. Absalom’s mother Maacah was a Geshurite princess.

Jesus fed the four thousand near Bethsaida. But he also rebuked them. The religious leaders were resistant to him and did not trust him.

Why should they? He was a dangerous man. An iconoclast. Don’t go back, he says. I trust him but still long to know these two things–

why? and…
what next?

What next, Lord?

Hypothetical Family

In the fall of 2009 our family as we knew it imploded in a fierce burst of awful. This was after years of maintenance strange and two years of ascending chaos as our adopted daughter burst forth into mental decline. Epic mental decline. Followed by the revelation that her biological brother was a pedophile. Then things got worse…

Actually, not worse. Safer and blindingly honest. Grandparents punished the victims and rewarded the perps. Uncles were cowards. Aunts were um, not helpful.

The nuclear families that my husband and I had been born into were destructive forces. I think that the stigma of being in a relationship with the victims of sexual abuse was too much for them to handle. They blamed the victims. It was like an acid bath. They said terrible things.

I drew a wall around us. There were months of fasting and debilitating heath problems. There was our children’s grief. There was the cost to our marriage. It was enough.

We skipped a wedding. We cut off our phone. We changed. Our family became orphaned not just from these near familial relations but also from a church we had served for years.

Our older children remember. Our young ones do not. They do not know their aunts or uncles, their grandmothers or grandfather. My son knows that my father died the year he was born. He knows that we live on a small island of ourselves. He sees these relationships played out on the children’s shows he watches. Dora has a cousin named Diego. Word Girl has a cool grandfather. Every so often one of us will refer to the missing uncle or grandmother he does not know. His eyes will light up as though we are discussing Christmas–I have a grandfather?!. He will ask incredulously.

Yes, I say.

Then his face grows serious. Oh, but he is not safe for us, right?

Right, I say, he is not safe.

The loneliness and loss in his face is the reminder: the ghost of hypothetical family.