Category Archives: child advocacy

Forgiveness is not the same as lying about the past

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A friend asked me, do you put the kids to bed and at least get five minutes to yourself?  No, I say, not really but I like them all…

Hours later I realize how strange that must sound, how incomplete.  What I see in my head is thirteen years of eidetic episodes of unlikable events–bullying, tantrums,  swearing, violent protracted rages, physical assaults, homicidal imaginary friends, routine larceny, and lies, cursing of the most egregious kind.  Some stories so awful I do not want to write about the hurt.  And all of this before the years of C’s sexual felonies were dragged to light.

Most sane and normal people would have known better, right?  We believed if we did not give up on m and c they would be good, or at least better because of love.  Because of Love.

Jesus said, greater love has no man than he lays down his life for his friend.

Somethings are easier than others to lay down, I say beneath the shadow of the Cross.

Those 13 years took things that did not belong to me from the most precious people I know.  To say I like my children is an understatement.

They are my heroes.

shame on Susan Sarandon

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I have lost all respect for all of the people involved in the movie, “That’s My Dad” but none more than Susan Sarandon.   How does a woman keep any vestiges of self respect when she acts in, promotes, and gets her daughter to participate in a movie which makes fun of child rape and a child sexual abuse victim?

What have we come to?  What has Susan come to?  Please protest this movie.  Please tell people to contact others including the producers of this movie to let them know that child rape is never funny.

Voice of the Martyrs?

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Yeh.  The statement issued by the VOM (about the suicide death of Tom White) was underwhelming.  It is especially interesting when you look at the fact that this is a non-profit Christian organization ostensibly devoted to RAISING AWARENESS AND HELP FOR VICTIMS OF SOME SORT OF CRIME.  But when the victim of some sort of crime is in their community and when the alleged criminal is connected to their organization then all bets are off.

No mention of the child?  No mention of what it meant for this man in his sixties to be accused of the rape of a child?  No discussion of whether or not there were other victims?

I am disinclined to think these people have their hearts where they should be…

Corey Haim

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Who, my age, did not want to be in movies like Goonies or ET?  There was a group of child actors who appeared in movies like these who elicited at least a mild level of envy.  These movies looked like fun to be in!

But something was wrong somewhere.  A number of child actors from my generation have spoken out about sexual abuse in tandem with their acting career.

Corey Feldman has spoken out about his belief that his friend’s life was marred by sexual abuse and that it is a problem in Hollywood.

My heart goes out to Corey Haim and the way a predator’s actions may have ultimately contributed to years of pain and a premature death.

Victims have the right to speak out, pursue legal action, warn others, and get help.  They need to know they are not alone.

I like to use abuse survivor as much as possible, but I think that in this case, Corey Haim was a victim.  His story is a tragedy.

100 books

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the day i let go of the rope i decided, why not write?

if someone mined the interior of my computer they would find fragments of the same terrible story–for years i wrote to stay sane

when i finally wrote the book it was an act of defense not just for my children but for the millions of other children who have been silenced and marginalized by abuse, especially sexual abuse

after I wrote the book I sprinted to edit it and clean it up and then I bought a hundred copies.  I have given them out.  That was the goal I had set for myself and the image that goes with it has been with me for years:

When M. and C. were little they had so many tantrums so regularly I often thought about the climatic moment in the now ancient movie The Witness–the bad guys are about to win when a contingent of Amish neighbors appear on the horizon.  Their numbers and witness prevent violence.  Over the years I have longed for those Amish people–a group of witnesses preventing violence.  And that was the idea–one hundred books, one hundred witnesses.  The justice system is falling short and sexual predators are allowed to do much more damage than they should because we do not have an effective system to just identify them and prevent them access to children.  If you add the terrible price of silence and the way it cuts children off from healing and community–something needs to change.

Now that I have gotten to the watermark of 100 books I feel compelled to reiterate my offer.  Want a copy?  Send me your address.

lists in my head

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i keep thinking about Meghan’s suggestion that i should write a prevention list at the end of the book.  i should, but i haven’t because it haunts me,  i genuinely believed for years that i was protecting my children from abuse, but i was wrong,  so the only list i feel qualified to write is remedial–a list of don’t, not do’s, that i write brokenly–like writing to the person i thought i was before…

don’t think you can be too careful or paranoid

don’t take advice from people whose parenting models you don’t agree with

don’t second guess your instinct

don’t think that instinct will be enough

don’t expect a child abuser to tell the truth (they won’t)

and don’t expect them to have a conscience (they don’t)

don’t believe statistics ( sexual abuse is ridiculously underreported)

don’t believe the myths surrounding both predators and their victims

(for instance most victims of abuse are not abusers

and abusers will lie about everything to save their skin or keep abusing)

don’t think that there is an economic, racial, or educational profile for predators, there isn’t

don’t think abuse is rare

remember 6 degrees of separation?  it is my contention that if you have not been the victim of a sexual predator, you have a close relationship or family relationship with someone who has

why?

because all the predators I know or have heard of had an AVERAGE of 10 victims

that means that if even 10% of the population is a predator, we are all victims

don’t think that prevention checklists, sex offender registry, and warning sign checklists will ferret out most abuse

which leads to my next post..