“the good beach”

For a long time my name was Bitch. I will only write it once, hereafter I will use a placeholder, but it is important for me to acknowledge it just once.

My adopted daughter called me this regularly for years. Never without venom. It hurt to be called beach because of the venom. It hurt because she was saying I was not human, without value.

I suspected that my new nickname, like much of her other abusive behavior, was a reflection of her own struggles with identity. She said I was the beach, but struggled with who she was and how valuable she was.

She was valuable to me. I had sacrificed a great deal to be her beach, um… mom.

She is still valuable to me. I know she can be a pain in the grass, but she is my daughter. She is my daughter.

When someone treats her badly or dehumanizes her or devalues her. And let us be clear, those words themselves are placeholders for very bad things. People who should help her have done very bad things instead. Well, I may be a beach, but I want to stomp and yell and kick’em in the shins.

I want to say stop!! She is worth more than this!! She is my daughter.

I want to have a healing, undoing, potion for the harm done to her.

I do. It is a single name–Jesus. He became the beach for her, for me, for all of us to undo the undoable, to restore our lost and stolen value.

When she tells me what has happened to her I grieve and wish she would stop running from the one Man who raises the value of an ordinary beach like me.

He buys the field/finds the treasure/sets the captive free.

And instead of the rude name we have become accustomed to, He cups our faces in His hands and calls us by our eternal name–
Dear
Very Dear…

Forgiveness

She is a tough mama
Says things like
listen carefully
And be still

Of course she is swamped with work
Mostly contract–
Cleaning up crime scenes
And the debris left by careless
Men

She does not make the stuff she cleans
Disappear
She simply packs it away
In suitcases which resemble– safes
Attaché cases
Body bags
Zip

Then she turns to the aggrieved
Yes, the aggrieved
with her steely-eyed gaze
Says c’mon
Let’s drag this
To yonder cross.

My friend

Anger is my intimate
Companion
Eyes me over soup
Shouts instructions
As I mow the lawn
He has the worn face
Of a college professor
The demeanor of a silent
Partner
In what?
You are right to ask

Why is he here?
Oh, I will blink,
As I think how to phrase this…

He helps me to articulate
Why I am so dependent on
His wife, Forgiveness,
For everything

Sabbath lessons

I used to preach. Seems weird to me now because those sermons, talks and exhortations all exist beyond the scrim of discovering that my children (and their friends) had been, were being sexually abused by my adopted son, Charles.
By the time the abuse was revealed I had already quit because Em was having lots of problems. Charles just finished the deal.

All this to say that following Jesus is not about hearing or preaching sermons. It is about living the life of God in His wake and in His love.

Harder than a sermon, as elemental as a preschool lesson–

1. Ask Him to pour out
His love all over you

And
2. Pour it out on others

They say

They say that God Himself designed the space between a mother and her child. It is the perfect distance for the eyes of a child, focused on a love that should anchor them to a fixed point in an unfixed universe.

The bond of a mother with a nursing child establishes the language of the unspoken, irrevocable promise–I am here and because I am here you are safe.

–Dame NP Doxia, A Dragon’s Guide to Raising the Human Child, pg. 7b

The inhabitants

Of heaven will be fierce
With the smudgy lines of
Zinc oxide slashed across their faces
War paint angels
Colorful
is that food coloring?
No. But it is washable
After play time
After recess
After our snack of apples cut in even slices
Rich in a new color–
colors
Vivid
Will be my new name
When I get there
I will use the injunction you taught me (joy)
C’mon, let’s go play

About the sword

Some days I almost forget it is there
Protruding as it does
Through my sternum
La-la-la I think
For about, um, 30 seconds…
Then it all comes back

When you say oh, I don’t do that anymore
Like it was a hobby you grew out of
Or…oh, the movie was fun
Like you are at summer camp with your pals

I must breathe
Which hurts the freaking sword
In-my-chest
When you..
When you..

Oh that is right
You don’t remember

The stages of grief

I stay up too late. I am looking for meaning. I feel like an old woman rummaging through her things, longing for the people attached to them–
Tom’s chair
Ruby’s dress

The people I want back are mostly living. I want them to be braver or more honorable, kinder or stronger.

But they are not. So I rummage

For meaning
For hope
For the person I once was
This is my nightly vigil
My grief.

Unchurch

Last Sunday night I went to church. Nice church. Comfortable. Friendly. Relaxed atmosphere. Even stayed in the sanctuary for half the sermon. The rest of the time I hung out with the under 5 set in a very nice foyer. It was my best church experience in a long time.
A nice man said they had childcare. There was a moment when I thought about spilling my story.
I don’t leave my kids much because….
Because…
Well, once you realize you trusted a wolf in sheep’s clothing you realize you are a bad detector of sheep costumes

Everyone is except the other wolves.