Finding

Pretend you are just a wisp of a thing
Standing in a maze
But…
Someone you
Love is looking out for you.

He says–

Mark 8:34-38 (NIV)
Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. [35] For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. [36] What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? [37] Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? [38] If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.”

Which can be translated–follow Me. Trust Me.

He can see the whole maze so I do. I do trust him. Sometimes in my life I have hoped there was an easier way through. I have always known that others wandered through their mazes and had to slay monsters…or be slain by them.

The ultimate question for me is not how?

He answered that when he came back from hell with my life in his hands.

No. The only question is when?

When will we all
Walk into the Light?
Glorious Light.

Rev. 22

Losing

We all hope it will turn out ok. We will be the ones–long full life, no pain. We optimists.

You have to be an optimist to foster and adopt kids you already know have problems. You have to believe in miracles.

Our belief in miracles went something like this: yes, we know they are tough kids, but consistency, love and faithfulness combined with God’s healing power will help these kids.

My goal was a picture–all my adult (stable, law-abiding) children gathering with their families for thanksgiving dinner.

So you may imagine what a blow to the gut it was to find out our plan hadn’t produced the picture. Our adopted kids hurt our family, hurt our other children. They committed crimes before they graduated from high school.

I still remember the old me, the believer in the miracle, the picture….

Part 1 of 2

Forever

He says, I want to live here forever
Can we live here forever?
And I understand what he means–
We are close to heaven
Close to sanctuary

He doesn’t know
What happened to his sister
He doesn’t know
That everything
He does is a reminder
Of how very young she was
The ghost
Hurt my babies.

Equality! And the wrong sides of history

Let’s say, just hypothetically, that you arranged a legal transaction with a person who turned out to be immoral, abusive, felonious. Now suppose after years of attempting to do your best to hang on to the relationship you are forced into the difficult decision of protecting yourself–from abuse.

Now consider two potential wrinkles to this scenario:

You are a child and your “legal partner” is an adult.

Or….

You are a parent and your “legal partner” is a dangerous minor.

In the first scenario children are at the mercy of a legal system that does not want to intervene on their behalf. Why? Money, Oh, and maybe discomfort. But there is a third option–older people get significantly reduced sentences or no punishment at all for serious or deadly crimes against children because children do not have equal protection under the law.

They do not have equivalent civil rights.

And parents of mentally ill or abusive teens? Just try finding legal protection from abuse. It would make sense to simply call the police when a crime occurs, but parents are on their own if their abuser is their own child.

The law should be the arena of protection for a civilized society, but the murders of Thomas More and Dietrich Bonhoeffer were legal. We are not only as good as the laws we enact; we are only as just as the ones we choose to enforce.

Immoral laws, immoral judges, and myopic citizens make for a country where a baby can be shot in the face on the street and a distracted nation thinks it is a brave new world for futzing over the sexual practices of adults.

Oh, yeah…Brave New World.. Thank you, Mr. Huxley, for giving us all a prophetic heads up on how all this will end.

All Our Happy Endings

Been readin’ some quotes–GK, CS, JC…the usual dudes, and then a couple off the beaten path.

Hitler, for instance, said that it was harder to overcome faith than knowledge.

And Christopher Hitchens recounting an anecdote about a Rwandan survivor who had lost everyone–her whole history and future wiped out.

Faith indeed, to say there is a God to answer that.

But I do believe, not in spite of the Hilters and Rwandas littering the floor of history. No. I believe because of them.

See– if adoption is a mirror of our relationship with God we should face the raw stink of the adoptees–us.

We stink.

We kill
We maim
We steal
We lie about it.
We do it again.

But that is the heart and soul of the story–a perfect and compassionate Parent adopts the worst kids in the universe.

A real mess.

Only His love can change us.
And it does.

But remember–no faking. He can tell when we are lying about the state of our deadly hearts.

And we are all gonna get a bath eventually–one way or the other…

Better the hands of Love

Anatomy Lesson

Mark 7:20-23 (NIV)
He went on: “What comes out of a man is what makes him `unclean.’ [21] For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, [22] greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. [23] All these evils come from inside and make a man `unclean.’ ”

Think of this as your house
Or the room you rent somewhere
Clean, spare or messy
With or without a maid.

Now you are inside
This home you have made
A party for intimates–strange names
Evil Thoughts
Sits on the couch
Sexual Immorality stirs the drinks at the dinette
Theft, Murder, and Adultery scan your copious
Movie collection
You scan the crowd
Know all their names
After all you invited them here,
These friends with monster faces.

You realize
Perhaps too late
You cannot evict them
They hold the deed to your heart
Which is conveniently ensconced in a bowl surrounded by chips on the coffee table

Of the life you once assumed
Was yours
Alone

No more

Pruning Time

Whoa! There are a lot of saints in February

How many do you recognize? I looked them up not because of Valentine’s Day. An experienced gardener once told me to prune my roses on a feast day in February. I think the 17th…

Sea’s birthday is the 16th. Time marked by anniversaries. Winter haunts.

Jesus rebukes the hypocrites for useless traditions–

Mark 7:9-10 (NIV)
And he said to them: “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! [10] For Moses said, `Honor your father and your mother,’ and, `Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’

My erstwhile adoptees were cursers. I would point this admonition out to them. I understand that they never “got” the umbilical bond of love. I even “got” why. They were lost from the beginning. They needed to feel love and when it wasn’t there the whole world went dark for them.

The cost of light is consuming.

But I believe in a Rescuing God.. He’ll get them. Because He loves them. Because He paid. Because He sees their faces from when they were babies lost in the world.

His beautiful lullabies.

Priceless Valentines

When I was a little girl we lived in Europe. We went to see the statue Winged Victory, which was impressive.

My mother said it was priceless.

Later along the streets there were vendors selling small plastic replicas. I asked her if these were also priceless?

At the time priceless suggested worthless to me and she explained the difference using the statues–the big one was real and unique–irreplaceable and therefore a price could not be placed on it. The street replicas were ubiquitous and cheap–worthless.

Sometimes I get impatient with my loss of freedom. I want time to run or swim, wake or clean. Modest goals often derailed by the needs of my young children….

Who are busy this week making valentines for me.

Each a reminder they are priceless.

Irreplaceable

My child is tired. It is past his bedtime and nothing will make him happy except quiet and nourishment. We are at a dinner party so he has to navigate the long hardwood road from the play room to his car seat.

Not happy.

I am a veteran mom by now so I know my job is just to get him from point A to 3-point car seat without him hurting himself.

I pick him up, support his head and watch out for sharp corners. The car seat is a tussle, but again I stay calm and focus on his safety.

I know he is tired and stressed. He will feel better. His bad mood doesn’t inspire anger or annoyance–it is just bedtime.

But this series of events haunts me because every day in America parents of young children get angry and hurt their little ones.

I want it to stop. It hurts.

The best I can do is repeat good rules:

Remember that little people have little control over their lives.

Love them.

And when their fatigue, hunger, fear, or discomfort makes them fussy, keep up the love.

Keep them safe.
Don’t hurt them.
Get them rest.
Get you rest.
Tomorrow their sunny little smiles will light up your world.

So keep them safe. They are irreplaceable.

Stormaphobe

Mark 6:50-54,56 (NIV)
because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” [51] Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, [52] for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened. [53] When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret and anchored there. [54] As soon as they got out of the boat, people recognized Jesus. [56] And wherever he went—into villages, towns or countryside—they placed the sick in the marketplaces. They begged him to let them touch even the edge of his cloak, and all who touched it were healed.

I have to get out of this chapter.

But I haven’t yet because I need the reminders-

Sometimes God does send us into deadly storms
But he never abandons us
He walks through them, abides with us, then commands the storms to cease
Because he is God.

The people Mark describes in this story have an almost comic energy–they run en masse to and around Jesus. Like a school of fish or a herd of sheep…only in this case their lack of dignity and frenetic searching make perfect sense. Jesus means God saves.

They run to an offer they would be silly to refuse.

And ultimately I am with them– no dignity left, desperate and silly, running to the God who saves.

Chapter 6.