Quotidian

There is a point in the cycle of loss when people come up for air. The tragedy at the heart of the universe is still there but there is the small hope that words may matter, when so much has been lost.

I tell one child to look up reactive attachment disorder and describe to the other the symptoms of borderline personality disorder.

I am leery of words. How do you describe the damage to a baby or a child of rootlessness and hunger and a world of cold loneliness punctuated by chaos and violence?

I hate what he did to the point of wishing with all my heart that I could unspool his childhood to the day he was born and undo the damage, hold and feed the wee baby to prevent the hours and days and years of pain he will inflict on others.

He has inflicted on us.

Only God can breathe life into the dead.

Dear Mom,

Here are some markers–I struggled with a sadness so strong when I was young that I frequently wished for death.  God would tell me, hold on, it will get better.  Your storms almost killed me.  How many times did you tell me you did not love me?

When I was 17 I saw that dad was not the bad guy.

When I was 22 I realized that I would have to weather your storms to make wise decisions

When I was 30 I faced my monsterization-just like grandma and grandpa.

When I was 30 I heard you hurt me viciously and intentionally.

When I was 34 I faced your mental illness.

When I was close to 40 I talked to you about it.  That did not go well.

 

For over 15 years I have weathered your vision of me–a monster.

I know you love your dogs more than me

You sided with a pedophile rapist over your grandchildren, his victims.

I do not believe this letter will reach you.

But it is the last way to say

I love you, get help

You need help.