Category Archives: abuse survivors

Repercussions of Reporting Child Abusers

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Recently I came under attack for allegedly reporting a known child rapist for babysitting.

Seems like a slam-dunk to me. I admit it–I do not think any convicted rapist should be alone with a child ever.

So it was weird getting lambasted for what really should be a legal and moral mandate–if you know someone who is or has been violent or abusive and that person is alone with children…. Report them. If they were convicted of felon child abuse, assault, or rape? Yep. Call CPS

And then…

I was reminded that an entire church has an extremely low opinion of me because I….reported a pedophile in order to protect children.

I am a messy woman with a messy life and most people wisely keep their distance. But to be hated, misunderstood, and rejected for not tolerating child abuse?

Kinda seems like an honor.

Who would Jesus defend?

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Over the last few years my belief that pedophiles were at or near the lowest rung of human society has been challenged.

The truth is pedophiles get a lot of consideration, even deference from most of us.

We look away and pretend they are not predators. Shame on us.

No. The true bottom rung of human society is firmly occupied by children.

Because they are young, small, defenseless, and cannot vote children are not given the same consideration as adults–including the ones who have hurt them.

When I think of these stories of children being exploited, marginalized or abused, I think about Jesus.

Jesus, unlike many who profess his name, actually did protect children. He speaks unequivocally about the need to protect children and the grim consequences of not doing so.

Matthew 18 is the primer on this, but this is good as well–

Matthew 25:40,45 (NIV)
“The King will reply, `I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ [45] “He will reply, `I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

Our acts of compassion matter.

Believe it or not this comforts me. I made a lot of costly decisions for some small people once. It hurts to know how costly and how unrequited these decisions were.

Jesus reminds me that the good, the bad, and the ugly in my life is his. I stand behind his love. He paid the price…for all God’s children.

I could have been Hannah Anderson

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A physician friend recounted this story to me recently:

I was watching a news report about the Anderson story and there were several other doctors there. The anchor woman posed the idea that DiMaggio had romantic intentions toward Hannah Anderson.

The others in the room scoffed at this as though the woman had said that the people were aliens.

My friend was surprised. Knowing my family’s story may have skewed his perspective. I know it has skewed mine.

I think we do not face these stories well. Good people, even highly analytical people like these doctors, are uncomfortable admitting to themselves that an adult could cultivate a relationship with a family in order to pursue a child.

I have experienced this phenomena myself. Once I was the young woman Hannah’s age with an adult male who made me uncomfortable.

I was saved not by my parents but by a good friend who warned my parents that this man–a coach, was targeting me for sex.

Ugh.

My friend saved me just by speaking up. Warning me was enough.

Who could have saved the Anderson family?

It should not take a manhunt and homicide to get us out of our cocoons to talk about the predators who target children.

Eric Eoin Marques and the face of evil

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There is a personal story I have written about privately but never published. A man I knew well once confided in me that he fantasized about the torture and rape of children. I tried to raise an alarm about his dangerous thinking and Internet searches.

As far as I know it did no good. He made a joke out of my concerns and continued to be allowed access to children at his church.

Frustrating.

My primary conflict with him came down to a showdown in my dining room years ago. I put a piece of blank paper in front of him and demanded that he write down the names of the dark and destructive sites he trolled online.

He refused and accused me of being unchristian–not like Jesus.

I thought about him yesterday when I wrote Jesus whipped men for less, because that is what I told him that night–

Oh yeah? Jesus raised havoc to clean the temple of people who were using it to defraud and cheat. How much more would his anger burn towards anyone who hurts a child?

The only–only result of my conflict with that man was more broken relationships and some really memorable character assassination of anyone who questioned this man’s access to children.

The church in question “remedied” the situation by sending him to a family camp.

I digress. I know.

I am writing this now because I want to say two things–

Let us all take note of what Jesus said–

there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed

And

Men may ignore the prayers for the relief of children for years, but God hears and answers. Justice is coming for Eric Eoin Marques and every last person who aided or watched or stood by and did nothing in the face of monstrous evil.

I pray for justice for the innocent. I pray for their healing.

And I thank God today for the FBI, Anonymous, and anyone who wrote code to reveal unthinkable evil.

Amos 5:24

Victim’s Impact Statement

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In the winter of 2009 I wrote out victim’s impact statements for my children.

Pages never read, found or included in the record.

I flinch every time the weight of these statements is mentioned in other cases.

What happened to ours and why?

So I decided to write them again:

Short Form

Victim’s Impact Statement

no words.

Long Form

Victim’s Impact Statement

Look me in the eye
And tell me
Why my grief is so insubstantial to you
Oh judge
Just bits of paper in the wind

Gone
Just missing…
All our intimate
words for sorrow and loss

Church for the Broken

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He was a personal friend and mentor. He encouraged me to pursue God. For years I used him as an example of what a sold-out shepherd did.

A shepherd lays down his life for his sheep. A shepherd puts God first.

In my wilderness faith I have listened to Internet sermons. Recently I found my former pastor’s sermon archive. Good stuff. He is a smart guy–soaring passages of scripture combined with warm and honest anecdotes. Good stuff.

I probably should have left it there–my memories of him 20 years ago were foundational.

But I didn’t.

I emailed and told him I was encouraged by his sermons. Eventually I told him why I was in the wilderness.

Have not heard from him since. As soon as I said “sexual abuse” he was dead quiet. Not the first foundational Christian leader to quietly retreat as soon as I tell my story.

There is no room for sexual abuse survivors in the church. There is plenty of room for pedophiles.

Jesus is unequivocal about these things. Our “churches” should mirror heaven–the kingdom of children, entirely free of evil.

Instead we whitewash the citizens of hell, make them deacons, and banish the broken children they have left behind.

Now, I just stick to the gospels. Jesus never leaves me or my brokenhearted children.

A Survivor Speaks Up:

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Sometimes I get angry when my adopted sister gives people trouble when they are just trying to help keep kids like me safe.

Sometimes you should not worry so much about other people’s stuff. You are a mother now and need to focus on being a good mother. You should not harass other people who know it is hard to be a survivor of child abuse.

Losing people

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A few days ago I received an email from a family member–normal right?

I could tell this person’s email account had been hijacked because s/he and I do not have a family relationship anymore. S/he joined the ranks of friends and family who were so chagrined by me that the relationship could not be repaired.

Close relations of crime victims often inflict terrible secondary wounds.

They are ashamed of me and my story and to preserve their “normal” life they do really wretched things.

Friends can be equally painful. They stop being friends, shrinking quietly into the shadows, not calling, not inviting our family to events. That familiar blanched look of fear…silence…gone….

I had a friend who was a sister to me. Unlike many she stuck with me through the shock, grief, and early period of survival, but she deeply disapproved of my public efforts to draw attention to what happened to us. Too public…to noisy…

She is gone. It hurts.

The list gets longer and more erratic after that–people who make their money from shepherding other people–gone or worse–cruel.

You start to rethink people. The world seems increasingly lonely.

Yesterday the Christian Post asked if it’s readers experienced loneliness. A bunch vehemently denied it–

Never! I have God! Ditto!!! Double that!

But of course I have to be the lone dissenter. I said,

Jesus experienced loneliness, why shouldn’t I?

That is my motto and I am sticking to it. But I won’t lie to you–I wish I had kept my mouth shut for my children.

They had a shot at “normal,” if it weren’t for my big mouth.

The truth will set us free…no one said it would make us look normal.

Normal is the lie.

For all of us…not just mouthy me.

Stan Who Had Two Dads

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Dearest Boy,

After I read about you I wrote a bunch of stuff. Then I walked, prayed, and cried. Some people won’t tell your story out of fear; others only out of fear.

But what I am afraid of is this–that no one will be there to heal the damage, that no one will tell you

none of this is your fault, and little of it needs to define you.

You deserve to survive this. You deserve birthday parties and pony rides, rock climbing and ice cream. You deserve to sit at a table with people who see you, know your story, and say I love you, Stan. You are a great kid..

Just because you were raised by wolves…doesn’t mean you are one.

No, dear, Lamb, you are a boy. Loved by a real Dad…the only one who can heal us all from the monsters, smiling in the picture: so broken.