I broke my own rule

One time in the same week I wrote a letter to someone and a poem to someone else.  Both someones had behaved badly.  My intrepid partner (always the English major) told me he liked the poem more than the letter.

Of course, I thought. Poetry is the marble colonade you hide in when followed by ghosts or splendor.  A letter is an everyday thing.  Too blunt to be art.  But is any of this about Art?

No.  Not really.  It is about sanctuary and splendor.  Borrowed safety and borrowed beauty.

And attempting however obliquely to suggest the existence of Absolute Love.

So I violated my own rule about my other blog– called etiology.  I told myself I would keep etiology free of my obsession with grief and injustice and the anger that follows these things.

I once wrote a poem I cannot see myself publishing.  Too painful, too personal.  I once wrote a letter to C’s prison therapist which simply described C’s crimes from what his victims and witnesses had said.  Just the facts, as they say.  The therapist read it and said he read my anger.

 

Anger? I thought.  That was just the facts.  I wonder what he would think if he saw my angry letter.

Wanna

build you a fort

of sheets.quilts

blankets–

counterpanes

A Comforter Stronghold

pillow masonry

fortifying all our flying

buttresses

around this cathedral

the artisans, all children

nobody hurt there

not allowed–

the very law of love

forbids it

and all the pain

of our collective

history

would unravel like a braid each night

healing all these grievous wounds

“my robin”

This happened years ago.  She was very young and had a nimbus of curls.  She was walking down a sidewalk holding your hand.  She was clearly enjoying your company. She kept calling you “my robin.”

When I think of the ways you failed her and why you should have done more, done something–advocated for her–that is the image I see in my head.  The last time I know for sure that your relationship to that little girl mattered.

 

At least to her.

First you have to acknowledge

you are a crime victim

your child is a crime victim

the family itself has been

smashed from the inside out

from the core of who you were

the sense of safety

is gone

and all that remains

is the awareness of sharp edges

hard objects

unfamiliar territory

fear

narrow ledges next to deep waters

where predators reside

everything has changed

simply because a truth has been revealed

no one is ever really safe.

no one

save Jesus

Dear Mom,

Here are some markers–I struggled with a sadness so strong when I was young that I frequently wished for death.  God would tell me, hold on, it will get better.  Your storms almost killed me.  How many times did you tell me you did not love me?

When I was 17 I saw that dad was not the bad guy.

When I was 22 I realized that I would have to weather your storms to make wise decisions

When I was 30 I faced my monsterization-just like grandma and grandpa.

When I was 30 I heard you hurt me viciously and intentionally.

When I was 34 I faced your mental illness.

When I was close to 40 I talked to you about it.  That did not go well.

 

For over 15 years I have weathered your vision of me–a monster.

I know you love your dogs more than me

You sided with a pedophile rapist over your grandchildren, his victims.

I do not believe this letter will reach you.

But it is the last way to say

I love you, get help

You need help.

 

Forgiveness is not the same as lying about the past

A friend asked me, do you put the kids to bed and at least get five minutes to yourself?  No, I say, not really but I like them all…

Hours later I realize how strange that must sound, how incomplete.  What I see in my head is thirteen years of eidetic episodes of unlikable events–bullying, tantrums,  swearing, violent protracted rages, physical assaults, homicidal imaginary friends, routine larceny, and lies, cursing of the most egregious kind.  Some stories so awful I do not want to write about the hurt.  And all of this before the years of C’s sexual felonies were dragged to light.

Most sane and normal people would have known better, right?  We believed if we did not give up on m and c they would be good, or at least better because of love.  Because of Love.

Jesus said, greater love has no man than he lays down his life for his friend.

Somethings are easier than others to lay down, I say beneath the shadow of the Cross.

Those 13 years took things that did not belong to me from the most precious people I know.  To say I like my children is an understatement.

They are my heroes.

shame on Susan Sarandon

I have lost all respect for all of the people involved in the movie, “That’s My Dad” but none more than Susan Sarandon.   How does a woman keep any vestiges of self respect when she acts in, promotes, and gets her daughter to participate in a movie which makes fun of child rape and a child sexual abuse victim?

What have we come to?  What has Susan come to?  Please protest this movie.  Please tell people to contact others including the producers of this movie to let them know that child rape is never funny.