The second day

I remember people exclaiming that I had lost weight. When I told them why I had lost weight they would look stricken. It was a striking story.

But the truth was worse than I ever could explain.

I could get past the discomfort of being punched, kicked, and bitten by my adopted daughter. I could mitigate her curses..and her violent imaginary friend.

I could push through the shock and discomfort others felt when I told them our children had been abused by her brother, my adopted son.

I could live beneath the heavy weight of the years my children spent in the company of a child abuser.

But I could never adequately describe the devastation created by our own family and others we had known for years.

Family was the worst. They made excuses. Coddled the perps, lashed out at young, very young victims.

Some were dismissive. Some skeptical. Some cruel.

Even after years and deliberate distance, their reactions still shock me.

I can still describe the diet.

It is simple:

Eat sorrow where once there was bread

Eat loss where there used to be community

Eat anger in the place where the family should stand

In a circle around their littlest victim
Dogs for children.

Dogs. For. Children. Indeed.

Anatomy Lesson

Mark 7:20-23 (NIV)
He went on: “What comes out of a man is what makes him `unclean.’ [21] For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, [22] greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. [23] All these evils come from inside and make a man `unclean.’ ”

Think of this as your house
Or the room you rent somewhere
Clean, spare or messy
With or without a maid.

Now you are inside
This home you have made
A party for intimates–strange names
Evil Thoughts
Sits on the couch
Sexual Immorality stirs the drinks at the dinette
Theft, Murder, and Adultery scan your copious
Movie collection
You scan the crowd
Know all their names
After all you invited them here,
These friends with monster faces.

You realize
Perhaps too late
You cannot evict them
They hold the deed to your heart
Which is conveniently ensconced in a bowl surrounded by chips on the coffee table

Of the life you once assumed
Was yours
Alone

No more

The First Day

The first day was awful. Awful because it meant I failed my kids. Awful because we weren’t safe. Awful because I believed a lie about someone I loved. And the truth about him was awful.

The first day you find out your child has been sexually abused is also a very important day for good things–

The first day I knew my adopted son abused my child was the last day of her abuse. She has been safer because she told.

The first day is important because when you tell you save others from abuse. All kids deserve safety.

The first day you just aim to survive. And love your kid, because she needs to know how precious she is.

I asked my kids today what they would tell a kid on the first day. They said:

it is not your fault
It is good you told
This happens to a lot of kids
You are brave
And this won’t ruin your whole life, it won’t be your whole life.

The last one means a lot to me. It means we are surviving. We are living through this together.

And if we can, so can you

Irreplaceable

My child is tired. It is past his bedtime and nothing will make him happy except quiet and nourishment. We are at a dinner party so he has to navigate the long hardwood road from the play room to his car seat.

Not happy.

I am a veteran mom by now so I know my job is just to get him from point A to 3-point car seat without him hurting himself.

I pick him up, support his head and watch out for sharp corners. The car seat is a tussle, but again I stay calm and focus on his safety.

I know he is tired and stressed. He will feel better. His bad mood doesn’t inspire anger or annoyance–it is just bedtime.

But this series of events haunts me because every day in America parents of young children get angry and hurt their little ones.

I want it to stop. It hurts.

The best I can do is repeat good rules:

Remember that little people have little control over their lives.

Love them.

And when their fatigue, hunger, fear, or discomfort makes them fussy, keep up the love.

Keep them safe.
Don’t hurt them.
Get them rest.
Get you rest.
Tomorrow their sunny little smiles will light up your world.

So keep them safe. They are irreplaceable.

Stormaphobe

Mark 6:50-54,56 (NIV)
because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” [51] Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, [52] for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened. [53] When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret and anchored there. [54] As soon as they got out of the boat, people recognized Jesus. [56] And wherever he went—into villages, towns or countryside—they placed the sick in the marketplaces. They begged him to let them touch even the edge of his cloak, and all who touched it were healed.

I have to get out of this chapter.

But I haven’t yet because I need the reminders-

Sometimes God does send us into deadly storms
But he never abandons us
He walks through them, abides with us, then commands the storms to cease
Because he is God.

The people Mark describes in this story have an almost comic energy–they run en masse to and around Jesus. Like a school of fish or a herd of sheep…only in this case their lack of dignity and frenetic searching make perfect sense. Jesus means God saves.

They run to an offer they would be silly to refuse.

And ultimately I am with them– no dignity left, desperate and silly, running to the God who saves.

Chapter 6.

Children are resilient?

One of the ridiculous, perhaps even criminal notions repeated by adults is

children are resilient.

Really? Then why are adults so screwed up?!

The invocation of CAR (children are resilient) is really just a way to push off the truth–any victim of crime needs a lot of help. In fact we need:

Consistent and patient counselors and supporters

A structured sense of personal value

A sense of personal safety

Help with bad dreams and worse memories

Years to ask the question why?

Safe community

Knowledge and truth–especially the reassurance that being a victim is not our fault.

Someone to fight for us.

Prayer. Lots of prayer.

I think with this list most of us can be resilient. Without these supports–the wounds deepen and the road is lonely and painful indeed.

Don’t make the myth of CAR an excuse for neglecting the quiet pain of the wounded–we all need to know we are not alone.

We all need a Defender.

Lights Out

Make no mistake. In the heart of the God of love, a stadium in the dark matters less than a child found strangled and bare in a park.

The child is a girl. The girl is thirteen. A foster child. Nameless. A mere silhouette.

Lost child.

So when you remember this amazing, expensive game we all stand still for.

Remember the dark.

Not a failure of technology; a failure of heart.

God in the dark.
Grieving

Moving Mountains

Dear Sir,

You are my dad’s age. He died after a helicopter crash a few years ago. Actually, around the time little Ethan was born. And pretty close to Newton–he died in Dothan.

You need to know that God has an answer to what is troubling you. A peaceful answer.

I am praying for both of you.

Please, Sir, let this little boy get home safe. His mama needs him back safe.

When I pray for you I see my dad. You traveled in a truck. He traveled in a helicopter. He flew over Dale County all the time.

Both you and Ethan are scared little ones to God. He loves you. And you are both precious to God. You are both in my prayers.

Please sir, move this mountain so Ethan can hug his mama soon.

Please.

Elizabeth the 1st and Sally Hemmings

Sometimes we must revise the focus of history. Sometimes we accept as fact things we should revile as facts:

Both of these famous women were rape victimsby modern FBI definition.

Both women were molested by older men who had all power over them.

If we are to heal the breaches of our own abuse stories, we must take away the power of their rapists, and give these women a new designation–

brave survivors

Sex and the Super Bowl

So the Super Bowl is a magnet for sexual slavery and child abuse. What can you do about it?

1. Pray. God honors our prayers.

2. Contact the NFL. Tell them you are going to skip the commercials.

3. Contact the sponsors Let them know that you plan to watch the game but boycott their increasingly violent, sexualized ads.

4. Tell your friends. I did not even realize this was an issue until a friend posted it on a social media site.

5. Contact the teams directly. Tell them you are concerned about forced sexual slavery in New Orleans surrounding the Superbowl.

6. Contact the NOPD Ask what they plan to do to fight sex trafficking during this event.

With the exception of prayer (free and universal), most of this personal activism can be made through online email forms or social media.

Just imagine what it would look like if we all raised our concerns on Facebook or Twitter to say let’s stop the abuse of children and the vulnerable this year at the Super Bowl.

There is an awful lot of money at stake. But one child saved is worth every penny.

And please….spread the word.