Category Archives: child advocacy

where the bleep is Ronan Farrow when you need him?

Posted on by
2

My little one wanted to go to the beach.  His cuteness trumped democracy and we went to the beach instead of the park.

While there we witnessed a bullying incident I would classify as both assault and child abuse.  A group of older children were repeatedly dragging a little boy through the water and pushing his head down under the waves.  He was crying.

When I realized what was going on I yelled for them to stop and asked the people on the shore who was responsible for the teens?  An older woman announced that she was and that the little boy was being justly punished for throwing sand into a teenage girl’s eyes.

I was appalled and shaken.  In any other place I would have immediately called 911.  Here, I am convinced they will not respond.  I took my kids to our van and continued to eye the situation with the abusive family. I filmed the woman briefly and attracted her threats and fury.  I did report the incident to the police but am unconvinced I did enough.  I should have begun filming immediately and called 911 immediately.  I think now that I should have waded into the water to physically intervene and asked the boy directly if he needed physical shelter.  I should have stayed with him and insisted on intervention.

It was not enough.  And now I will be forever haunted by a little boy, helpless among his own.

note-this had another name in the title, I changed it to a guy I do actually think is pretty heroic

Meet Mrs. Whiskers

Posted on by
Reply

By the time M was two she had a fully realized world of people she had created. They were and are vibrant characters.  This past year she wrote a story peopled by punctuation marks.  Also quite interesting.

I say this because she is a beautiful survivor.  She was being abused by Charles when she created her first kingdom.  These people we still love.

But she is haunted as well  knowing that Charles continued to abuse her little sister for a long time after she asked him to stop abusing her.  She assumed he would not abuse her little sister.  She was seven.

I am haunted by the abuse as well. There is a wall in my life that signifies S’s solitary hurt.  One night this week I wrote on it, first a memorial, then a Bible verse, then a picture of a cross.  Then I got an idea.  I realized that my children’s vividness overcomes evil.  Jesus brings new life.  So I painted a chalkboard over my grief wall.

First we wrote each other love notes.  Then M drew Mr. and Mrs. Whiskers.  They are English cousins of Harvey and we love their accents.

When she tells me about the Whiskers, I just hug her really tight.  It is grace to see an ordinary resurrection of something as pedestrian as a wall.

Grace.

Dear Mom,

Posted on by
2

Here are some markers–I struggled with a sadness so strong when I was young that I frequently wished for death.  God would tell me, hold on, it will get better.  Your storms almost killed me.  How many times did you tell me you did not love me?

When I was 17 I saw that dad was not the bad guy.

When I was 22 I realized that I would have to weather your storms to make wise decisions

When I was 30 I faced my monsterization-just like grandma and grandpa.

When I was 30 I heard you hurt me viciously and intentionally.

When I was 34 I faced your mental illness.

When I was close to 40 I talked to you about it.  That did not go well.

 

For over 15 years I have weathered your vision of me–a monster.

I know you love your dogs more than me

You sided with a pedophile rapist over your grandchildren, his victims.

I do not believe this letter will reach you.

But it is the last way to say

I love you, get help

You need help.

 

Toryn Buckman

Posted on by
Reply

I became a foster parent because of stories like Toryn’s.  I quit foster parenting when I realized that the state of X was not in the business of rescuing the Toryns of the world.

I am not going to tell you what happened to her.  Google her.  I want you to read at least three articles about what happened to this precious little girl.  Then I want you to think about several things.

What is justice for Toryn?

Where does evil like this come from?

Where does it end?

Can we afford to wince and look away?

Are you sorry you read about her?  Was it a downer?  Would you rather have watched a juicy episode of Game of Thrones?  (Please don’t, by the way..)

Please understand me.  It is always easier to expect someone else to take care of the Toryn’s of the world, but it is impossible to believe no one suspected anything was wrong in the life of a child who was beaten to death over the course of at least six months.  What we do know is that no one saved her.

Let me repeat that again.

No one saved her.

 

As a christian I am as appalled by this story as most “normal” people–whatever their creed or belief.  But I have some answers for these questions, hard, difficult, stay up and pray and fast answers, but answers nonetheless.

My answers start with Matthew 18 and end with a River and a Tree for the healing of the nations.

And in the middle is a Man dying on the Cross of history, the rictus of pain for a little girl named Toryn and all of us.

Scarred Savior.  Scapegoat God.

Forgiveness is not the same as lying about the past

Posted on by
Reply

A friend asked me, do you put the kids to bed and at least get five minutes to yourself?  No, I say, not really but I like them all…

Hours later I realize how strange that must sound, how incomplete.  What I see in my head is thirteen years of eidetic episodes of unlikable events–bullying, tantrums,  swearing, violent protracted rages, physical assaults, homicidal imaginary friends, routine larceny, and lies, cursing of the most egregious kind.  Some stories so awful I do not want to write about the hurt.  And all of this before the years of C’s sexual felonies were dragged to light.

Most sane and normal people would have known better, right?  We believed if we did not give up on m and c they would be good, or at least better because of love.  Because of Love.

Jesus said, greater love has no man than he lays down his life for his friend.

Somethings are easier than others to lay down, I say beneath the shadow of the Cross.

Those 13 years took things that did not belong to me from the most precious people I know.  To say I like my children is an understatement.

They are my heroes.

shame on Susan Sarandon

Posted on by
Reply

I have lost all respect for all of the people involved in the movie, “That’s My Dad” but none more than Susan Sarandon.   How does a woman keep any vestiges of self respect when she acts in, promotes, and gets her daughter to participate in a movie which makes fun of child rape and a child sexual abuse victim?

What have we come to?  What has Susan come to?  Please protest this movie.  Please tell people to contact others including the producers of this movie to let them know that child rape is never funny.

Voice of the Martyrs?

Posted on by
Reply

Yeh.  The statement issued by the VOM (about the suicide death of Tom White) was underwhelming.  It is especially interesting when you look at the fact that this is a non-profit Christian organization ostensibly devoted to RAISING AWARENESS AND HELP FOR VICTIMS OF SOME SORT OF CRIME.  But when the victim of some sort of crime is in their community and when the alleged criminal is connected to their organization then all bets are off.

No mention of the child?  No mention of what it meant for this man in his sixties to be accused of the rape of a child?  No discussion of whether or not there were other victims?

I am disinclined to think these people have their hearts where they should be…

Corey Haim

Posted on by
Reply

Who, my age, did not want to be in movies like Goonies or ET?  There was a group of child actors who appeared in movies like these who elicited at least a mild level of envy.  These movies looked like fun to be in!

But something was wrong somewhere.  A number of child actors from my generation have spoken out about sexual abuse in tandem with their acting career.

Corey Feldman has spoken out about his belief that his friend’s life was marred by sexual abuse and that it is a problem in Hollywood.

My heart goes out to Corey Haim and the way a predator’s actions may have ultimately contributed to years of pain and a premature death.

Victims have the right to speak out, pursue legal action, warn others, and get help.  They need to know they are not alone.

I like to use abuse survivor as much as possible, but I think that in this case, Corey Haim was a victim.  His story is a tragedy.

100 books

Posted on by
Reply

the day i let go of the rope i decided, why not write?

if someone mined the interior of my computer they would find fragments of the same terrible story–for years i wrote to stay sane

when i finally wrote the book it was an act of defense not just for my children but for the millions of other children who have been silenced and marginalized by abuse, especially sexual abuse

after I wrote the book I sprinted to edit it and clean it up and then I bought a hundred copies.  I have given them out.  That was the goal I had set for myself and the image that goes with it has been with me for years:

When M. and C. were little they had so many tantrums so regularly I often thought about the climatic moment in the now ancient movie The Witness–the bad guys are about to win when a contingent of Amish neighbors appear on the horizon.  Their numbers and witness prevent violence.  Over the years I have longed for those Amish people–a group of witnesses preventing violence.  And that was the idea–one hundred books, one hundred witnesses.  The justice system is falling short and sexual predators are allowed to do much more damage than they should because we do not have an effective system to just identify them and prevent them access to children.  If you add the terrible price of silence and the way it cuts children off from healing and community–something needs to change.

Now that I have gotten to the watermark of 100 books I feel compelled to reiterate my offer.  Want a copy?  Send me your address.

lists in my head

Posted on by
Reply

i keep thinking about Meghan’s suggestion that i should write a prevention list at the end of the book.  i should, but i haven’t because it haunts me,  i genuinely believed for years that i was protecting my children from abuse, but i was wrong,  so the only list i feel qualified to write is remedial–a list of don’t, not do’s, that i write brokenly–like writing to the person i thought i was before…

don’t think you can be too careful or paranoid

don’t take advice from people whose parenting models you don’t agree with

don’t second guess your instinct

don’t think that instinct will be enough

don’t expect a child abuser to tell the truth (they won’t)

and don’t expect them to have a conscience (they don’t)

don’t believe statistics ( sexual abuse is ridiculously underreported)

don’t believe the myths surrounding both predators and their victims

(for instance most victims of abuse are not abusers

and abusers will lie about everything to save their skin or keep abusing)

don’t think that there is an economic, racial, or educational profile for predators, there isn’t

don’t think abuse is rare

remember 6 degrees of separation?  it is my contention that if you have not been the victim of a sexual predator, you have a close relationship or family relationship with someone who has

why?

because all the predators I know or have heard of had an AVERAGE of 10 victims

that means that if even 10% of the population is a predator, we are all victims

don’t think that prevention checklists, sex offender registry, and warning sign checklists will ferret out most abuse

which leads to my next post..