The elision of ordinary evil

Years ago a friend described his parent’s divorce–“it was like a bomb going off in the livingroom.”

His description was vivid and devastating and it came back to rest on my shoulder when my adopted children wreaked violence on my family.

The dust, the debris, the shrapnel of crime and violence rocked my own family.

I think about the steroid-bloated image of Uncle Sam, I think of the empty rhetoric and cries for both caution and justice. To me so few of the words are useful. They will not restore.

They will not restore limbs to the wounded.

They will not restore peace to the shattered.

They will not replace trust or safety like vases fallen and broken after a blast.

Do you want to help the victims?

Then shut up and listen.
Listen very carefully and stop congratulating people for being heroes.

We are none of us heroes.

We are fragile, easily broken and we take great care to heal.

And if we want any kind of justice or restoration we must first mourn our dead and then we must think, really think, in silence and humility–

if I had lost my safety, my loved ones, my dignity, my limbs, how would I want people to respond–to my pain and grief and loss?

Think hard.

Then do something.

This is you.

I know people would prefer I not write or talk about what happened to my family. I know because they tell me to shut up. I know because they tell other people I am a liar or crazy or at fault. The lines of thinking are terrible and wretched. But the abuse itself….

Is haunting.

I write about what it feels like to have adopted a predator because predators are common. Yesterday I saw an arresting picture of a “shark circle”–hundreds of fish in schools carefully leaving a distance of a few yards between themselves and the shark.

You gotta know a shark to avoid a shark. What if the sharks could assume the shape of an ordinary fish? What would happen to the schools?

I write to stay off of drugs. If I articulate the enduring pain and hauntedness of what happened to my babies I am debreeding a deep and terrible wound. I don’t know if it will ever truly heal.

My adopted son made himself out to be safe. But he wasn’t. My children were victimized. That does not go away.

But I think somehow that if I cry out, mourn, and wail for the things we have lost in trust, hope, and community perhaps my children will not have to.

Or at least they will not grieve alone.

The parable of the lost…iPad?!

I went on a trip today. God took care of everything. He got us to the airport(s). He got us to and from planes. He let little ones play when they should and sleep when they should.

I praised and thanked Him for each step of a blessed and safe journey. Sure there were some scary times, some kids with spring coughs. Even some upset stomachs. They were troopers.

I doubt my kids noticed the consternation on some people’s faces–so many kids!!! Young! What if they cry? They did not. They were amazing.

But.

We left an iPad at the airport….we think. Coulda been car rental? But no, we figure it was Dallas. That is a big airport. But we figure we left it in the waiting area of C terminal, Gate 37? That is what we think.

It is a pretty beat up iPad and there is a reward for it’s return. So let me know if you find it.

I love it because it has stuff on it that matters–my children’s stories and pictures. But make no mistake–I would rather have the children. I can live without the iPad. But if I lost my kids it would break my heart.

I know this because I have already lost a few.

Don’t wanna lose anymore. In fact I have a crazy idea that the ones that have slipped away will one day return.

Isaiah 49

Finding

Pretend you are just a wisp of a thing
Standing in a maze
But…
Someone you
Love is looking out for you.

He says–

Mark 8:34-38 (NIV)
Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. [35] For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. [36] What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? [37] Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? [38] If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.”

Which can be translated–follow Me. Trust Me.

He can see the whole maze so I do. I do trust him. Sometimes in my life I have hoped there was an easier way through. I have always known that others wandered through their mazes and had to slay monsters…or be slain by them.

The ultimate question for me is not how?

He answered that when he came back from hell with my life in his hands.

No. The only question is when?

When will we all
Walk into the Light?
Glorious Light.

Rev. 22

Losing

We all hope it will turn out ok. We will be the ones–long full life, no pain. We optimists.

You have to be an optimist to foster and adopt kids you already know have problems. You have to believe in miracles.

Our belief in miracles went something like this: yes, we know they are tough kids, but consistency, love and faithfulness combined with God’s healing power will help these kids.

My goal was a picture–all my adult (stable, law-abiding) children gathering with their families for thanksgiving dinner.

So you may imagine what a blow to the gut it was to find out our plan hadn’t produced the picture. Our adopted kids hurt our family, hurt our other children. They committed crimes before they graduated from high school.

I still remember the old me, the believer in the miracle, the picture….

Part 1 of 2

Hell.

Yesterday an atheist told me he thought it was “arrogant and offensive” to believe in Hell.

Funny, I thought, hell is hard to miss. It has left clues to its existence scattered throughout history.

Genocide is hell.
Pestilence is hell.
Racism is hell.
War is hell.
Abortion is hell.
Child abuse is hell.

These things are not hell in it’s entirety, just clues to it’s easy reality.

Here’s how I would put it–somewhere there is a garbage dump where my personal trash goes. Every week on a certain day a big noisy truck comes and takes away my garbage, my neighbor’s trash, the neighborhood garbage, the city refuse.

I have never seen the landfill, don’t even know where it is located exactly, but the trash, the cans, the truck, and my municipal payment for “garbage collection” all suggest somewhere there is a dump for our foul-smelling discards.

Hell means “garbage dump.” It seems to me the arrogant and offensive thing is to disregard the trash, the stink, the truck, and the brave Man who comes and takes it all away and refuse to see what is clearly apparent–I do not take away my own garbage. Someone does it for me.

Make no mistake. It has been years and years of faithful service and I have never taken the Trash Collector for granted.

How could I? I need him so.

One Verse at a Time

When you get to the hard stuff, slow down. And nothing feels harder than being told to die.

Jesus says he is going to be rejected by all legitimate authority and then he is going to die. Then he says, follow me.

Mark 8:34 (NIV)
Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

I can think of few things I dislike more than denying myself and carrying my cross. But I gotta follow Jesus! I can’t imagine life without him. He is love made real.

Why would love made real tell me to trudge to my own death?

I used to think the picture of this verse was Jesus with his big ol’ real cross and his followers with their smaller crosses. Then I realized that when he tells us to take up our cross it is the back end of the Cross he carried to his death. He carried my cross up that hill. When he tells me to pick it up he is just telling me to participate as a pedestrian observer in a drama he played out for real and keeps.

Imagine my cross without him.

Get thee…

So Peter is a fisherman, a dude, Jesus’ sidekick and the recent winner of the name-that-king-of-kings contest.

Then this:

Mark 8:31-33 (NIV)
He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again. [32] He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. [33] But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. “Get behind me, Satan!” he said. “You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.”

Oh. Bummer.

Things often do not go according to our plans, but few things were going to look more disastrous than the impending crucifixion. Peter said, naw! Can’t be! And Jesus cuts to the truth fast–you gotta see God’s plan.

Nothing takes more faith than believing an obscure Israeli construction worker can save you by dying.

The things of God–mysterious, often dazzling hard to watch. But absolute game changers.

Absolute
Game
Changers.

Get thee…

So Peter is a fisherman, a dude, Jesus’ sidekick and the recent winner of the name-that-king-of-kings contest.

Then this:

Mark 8:31-33 (NIV)
He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again. [32] He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. [33] But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. “Get behind me, Satan!” he said. “You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.”

Oh. Bummer.

Things often do not go according to our plans, but few things were going to look more disastrous than the impending crucifixion. Peter said, naw! Can’t be! And Jesus cuts to the truth fast–you gotta see God’s plan.

Nothing takes more faith than believing an obscure Israeli construction worker can save you by dying.

The things of God–mysterious, often dazzling hard to watch. But absolute game changers.

Absolute
Game
Changers.

If you believe in sin

I have been stalling on the medial point of the gospel of Mark. It is a deep discourse on what it means to be fallen and need a savior. It is tough stuff.

But…

Some of us don’t believe in sin anymore. Unless we are the victims.

Non-monogamy is now a lifestyle choice. Pornography is an accepted part of our culture. The last definitive points of outrage in the human condition appear to be (not murder, not aggression against the innocent)..consumerism and intolerance.

Yep. I am not even sure about the consumerism. Our houses are our gods. Our couches: our monuments.

How do you begin to hear a man discourse on the desperate human condition if you doggedly refuse to admit your desperation?

At that point the only despair is in the Cross. The only tragedy his death. We become angry at the notion of a saving God.

Do you need a Redeemer?

If you answer no, enjoy. The house of this world is left to you. A billion shards of plastic in a dying sea. And that is all.