If you or someone you love has been hurt by abuse email me at elegylea@gmail.com for a copy of Just
Category Archives: parenting
Ooh!! Old dogs and new tricks
So I have the world’s best wakeboard instructor. I say this for two reasons–both will be posted on my blog’s blog
The process of learning to wakeboard mirrors another learning curve. I practiced gliding on water today.
I also practiced editing my story. Practiced leaving out the ugly details…
To be polite…
To spare my listener…
To give strangers the option to not know the whole story…
I am not congratulating myself for any of this.
I am simply learning to not say everything people do not want to hear.
Shaken Baby Prevention
You had a cousin who died in foster care. His foster mother went to jail on a plea bargain. She probably did it, although she claimed she did not know how he had received the brain injuries that killed him. Her family insinuated it was a babysitter.
I saw her once with him. She looked like she really loved him. She looked thrilled to have him. He died in her care.
His story haunts me because it should not have ended in murder. Infanticide. Based on my experience with some of his cousins I bet he was challenging but that is no excuse for hurting a baby. Thousands of children die every year because people who are supposed to protect them hurt them instead.
His siblings were returned to their father who had been accused of molesting them.
Broken. Really broken.
I think anyone who takes care of a baby needs to know that sometimes babies cry…
A lot.
They cry because of hunger and thirst
They cry to be held or changed
They cry because they are sick
They cry because they are tired
They cry because they are teething
They cry when you are tired, frustrated, lonely
They cry in inconvenient places
It sometimes feels like they are crying to cry
out of spite?
but they are not
They just need love and patience and time.
All crying stops.
So think before you lose it.
Call for help.
Take a break and think
Call me…
But never, never, never
Hurt the baby
Surviving Abuse
It has been 3 years now since I found out that my adopted son had abused children–my children.
Child abuse should never happen, but when it does the survivors need to know that it is not their fault.
For years I lived a full life unaware of the abuse. Terrible legacy. But for the past 3 years my children have lived in safety and have begun to heal.
I shudder to think about the past, but more than that I shudder to think what would have happened without our concerted efforts to bring out the truth.
The truth is Charles will NEVER be safe with children. We should not give predators access to any children.
It is not worth the risk
Not worth the heartbreak
9-11 and Jessica Ridgeway
Imagine for a second planning a plane trip on September 1st 20001. Think about the beverages and nail clippers you would have blithely stowed in your carry-on luggage.
You would not have had to remove your shoes! You also would have had no fears of homicidal acts of terror. The world changes, we have to face its incipient danger.
I mention 9-11 because we all acknowledge that a balance has to be struck between personal freedom and public safety. None of us wants a world constricted by fear.
That being said, it is time to acknowledge that we are failing our children and ourselves. When our children cannot walk to school in safety we have failed our children. When our children are being lured and snatched in front of schools, hospitals, and libraries in daylight we have failed our children. When one child is lost in one of these cases it should be a cause of universal mourning and rapprochement. It is time for a change.
Parents need to face that law enforcement and “living in a safe place” will not keep our children from harm. We need to look at what predators do and how they think. None of us want to, but we must.
Predators
Live everywhere and if they don’t live close to you, they have cars
Watch children
Monitor patterns of movement
May record and photograph children
Maintain contact with other predators, gaining support and information from others
Have no conscience
Will resort to violence to get what they want
Will lie about everything
Monitor/keep track of what children believe and respond to
Disguise themselves well
Volunteer or work at jobs that give them contact with children
Fool people around them
And are fueled as much by anger as by sexual impulses
Not a fun list, but we must face it. And we have to face the fact that most predators do not get caught or reported. They are “us” and pride themselves on the deception.
They benefit when we ignore them. So let’s not.
And we have to keep our children safe. Many of us remember great freedom when we were young. That freedom is no longer safe. Adults need to stay with children outside all the time. We cannot assume a short walk to school or a park is safe. It is not.
We need to face the hard stories of loss and learn from them. Elizabeth Smart was forcibly abducted by a day laborer. Jaycee Dugard was snatched by a married couple who had tracked her and planned her kidnapping with great detail. Jessica Ridgeway was taken on a short walk to school.
if you are a parent you have to face these stories to keep your child safe.
And we have to teach our children:
If a grown up offers you candy from a vehicle
scream and run for help
No adult needs your help finding a puppy
scream and run
never go anywhere with an adult you don’t know/strong>
We need to give our children permission to defend themselves. We need to teach them self defense and also strategies for escape if the worst happens. And we have to talk about the unthinkable. Our children are irreplaceable. We have to keep them safe. Knowledge is power.
I served my time…
To understand the old woman
Walking down the quiet street
Tonight with a baby
Sleeping in her arms
You would have to look
Back to a room
In a borrowed house
Wooden floors/old carpet
And chairs from a garage sale
Heavy with layers
Of paint the two children
Small, shocking
Red
Hair they match each other not taking
Time outs in those beat up chairs/rooms/carpet
Years I don’t just
Wanna forget
Wanna unravel
Why he could hurt me so much
For so many years
And hurt my babies too?
They wiggle off the chairs
Again and again
Hold them the caseworker says
Hold onto them
I think
Until I had to let them go
The Hell of Words
Once
When you were still a boy
I walked with you
Into cool water in a dying light
No deeper than your waist
Although the gulf itself
Stretched for miles
Out forever
When I draw words for hell
I get them from Sartre
Not Jesus
Or Dante
Like lighting a match
To draw fire
This room is airless enough
The faces of it’s inhabitants
Never vary/a rictus of pain
I wonder…
Are you as afraid as I am
Of the little things
That last
Forever?
And the possibility
That there will be
No way out.
Clay pots and true treasure
The story involves a baby swatting a vase which then rolls off a table to the bench below. The vase is visibly chipped by not shattered.
We mourn for a few seconds
That we could not fix it
That we could not have snatched it from the edge
The kids watch for my reaction
I tell them, that is why we buy vases from Goodwill.
Peace.
I know that this simple event is crucial for us because my reaction provides traction for my kids. What I did not do or say reflects my priorities as much as what I did.
My child is the treasure. All the vases in the world are not as precious as one dear little child.
The rest is dust.
Rebecca and her sisters
Sometimes I should keep my mouth shut and I don’t.
Sometimes I need to open it wider.
I have a vision in my head
Of all the scenes I haven’t made
Brought to me in part
By the ones I could not avoid.
You wanna say
grow up!
Get a life!
Get a job!
An education!
But most of all
You wanna say
watch out!
There are dangerous curves ahead!
You are young and stupid and don’t know what you have effing got yourself into
Teething
Colic
Nightmares
And an endless stream of
Naptimes
Precious
You gotta listen
precious!
’cause that kid you are gonna have
Deserves the life you wanted
As well as the one you threw away.
Covering
Isaiah 28:20 (NIV)
The bed is too short to stretch out on, the blanket too narrow to wrap around you.
I maintain
That poetry
Is what prophets write
When ordinary warnings
Fail
Prophesy
How you will be
Good
Preach to me
About tomorrow
Whether it will rain
And we will all
Be swept away
By all the things we never said
Before the invention
Of the rain
-bow.