The bowls, cups, and occasional ramekins return my level gaze. All damaged, we regard each other warily–the gash, the chipped and missing pieces, the jagged edges
Make us all precipitous,
Weepy as we
search for impossible answers for
Broken
The bowls, cups, and occasional ramekins return my level gaze. All damaged, we regard each other warily–the gash, the chipped and missing pieces, the jagged edges
Make us all precipitous,
Weepy as we
search for impossible answers for
Broken
How do atheists turf their ghosts? Wispy girls, long gone, in their place, algorithms, aggregates, the trees were old back when we were young, how wise they will be when we have left this place.
Who will bear the children of the dead? Who will tell the grown man
How pretty, how young you looked in your operatic yukata, how many letters have been written for you, all for you
Careful, I say, careful.
measure out impossible prayers to a Most Evident God
As though they were
Leaves caught in the wind
Could be a lost child or the appearance of a tear in ordinary fabric. Could be the silence of the resurrected or the name of a wildflower on the back of a bus, here today and gone tomorrow no recorded words, no age, no cause of death, just a suddenly re-spooling life
As though you could call what we do here spooling,
as though any word at all could substitute for resurrection.
The Calhoun County Courthouse is a mausoleal mid-century modernist confection, the juvenile detention courtroom then a windowless (Chinese) box on its second floor.
Perhaps I am biased. I remember envying the parents whose kid had gone on a wild joyride and the various parents of pot sellers and users.
I remember thinking the local Baptist pastor who was there for jury duty was a harbinger of God as I spilled out
The terrible story of why I was there.
Which had to be after the judge used the shade of our old oak tree for his big white truck. After his lawyer son stood across the street, bemused as Mary, on the roof, hurled her salty invectives at me.
After the juvenile probation chief told us they would not hold Charles forever and I thought to myself as I looked at him, (what do you have to do in the state of Texas to get yourself thrown in prison?!)
They say there is a library somewhere, an Ivy League kind of library, which has thin panels of white stone from floor to ceiling.
The light diffused through the thin white stone, perhaps to show-off or to shield the books.
I have searched for it for years, can’t find it
So much like a pearl, mother-of-pearl, an alabaster jar
Full of the most unmistakably broken
Perfume.
I go to the stone lions, lean my head against their solid, immovable weight. I tell them the things one might tell a friend–stretches of fatigue and loneliness, grim sorties in search of solace in strange and blasted places, words for anger, stones for real
Children who cry out
Hosanna! Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes
In the name of the Lord!
-Luke 19:40
They don’t tell you that solitude can be a weapon, a way of making a body feel it must just be me when there were signs all along that
The contest was never what it seemed to be
Resembling a stock show more than a beauty contest
Told to line up
The hand-picked female handler writes numbers in permanent marker
on our haunches
And maybe don’t question too much what the girl in the high heels, glitter, push-up top
Is doing giving free twerking lessons
To doe-eyed coeds
And a heifer like me
Careful to keep my cloven hooves
And rising ire
Under wraps
I see the child, backlit by this extraordinary light, and because I lost you I know the kind of pain
Can come with a picture when the child is gone
I will always
Love you, child
No matter how Minotaur you make me
In this labyrinth
I have learned to
call home
The smallish courtroom in the smallish building in the smallish town near the coast. I used to say the armpit of Texas and that is when I liked the place where the d.a. joked in juvenile court about the time his underlings ribbed him for his inadvertently possessed marijuana plant
I
I carry around the iterations of the Baptist pastor, the university president, the camp cook, the college preacher, the old friend, missionary doctor, adoptive cohort, biological aunts, uncles, cousins
Immediate family
With fear in their eyes because I
I
Told the story
About everything except the day they adjudicated Charles
My subjunctive regret
Had I been present in the smallish courtroom in the smallish building with the smallish judge
Would they still have been able to
Lie for him?
Let him off so Scott-free
Smallish voice says over and over
I should have been there.
That day.
After years of not getting it
I finally do–
You dip the ravaging
Insect into
The viscous sweet
“Honey,”
He says
“This is how you make the unpalatable work.”
–Luke 7:18-24
The call costs five cents a minute and you have to be ready with a form of payment. On the other end of the line there is
A princess stuck in a well
Bears curled in around a wee-sleepy home invader
A girl in a badly blended family with a knack for the most inconvenient footwear
And all the rest of us-
sleeping beauties, garden-of-Gethsemane-tired
Of hearing about
This impending crucifixion.