Tag Archives: Love

Pretend you go

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pretend you had a lost daughter

Who in your mind will always be

A beautiful baby girl

Now pretend that in order to survive

You start to see your beautiful lost baby

In everyone

Then “everyone” starts to do things they really should not do

Go places they should not go

Smash through rules…

designed for their safety

So you, poor sot, try to warn them away…

From the crap they should not get into

But they don’t really wanna listen

Because who the heck are you anyway?

(Half-crazed stranger with some lost kid)

Yet you still 

love them

You know because you lost a child.

So you go find them

In the crack houses

Strip joints

And IRS offices where they work

…and screw up royally

Because you know

That is what love does

Abstract-I get it

So let me try once more–

Years ago I rode on a bus in a country men travelled to in order to have “legal” sex with minors.

A white man got on the bus with a girl from this other country.

A girl, not a woman.

We.  The people on the bus.  Watched them travel together.  Knowing (ball-parking, at least)…their destination.

Their terrible destination.

If she is alive somewhere I would hold her

Tell her her “job” was not her fault 

Tell her I love you

(No matter what)

–I love you

Now please darling, 

Come home.

Our Inner Voice

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I just read a poster–

the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.

Wow, I thought, true.

I remember my grandmother’s wake–old style, do-it-right southern luncheon. I could hear her voice in my head exclaiming over how delicious the fried chicken was. That was the last time I heard her voice.

My mother’s voice haunts me. I miss her laugh and her intelligence and her occasional generosity. But there are many things she says to and about me I do not miss. I have taken steps to avoid those painful words.

After my daughters’ counselor read Just she said, Now I understand why you are such a careful parent.

I want more than anything for my children’s inner voice to be one of profound wisdom and love.

A love that lasts forever.

The Marriage Vow

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Matthew 22:12-13 KJV

[12] And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. [13] Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Matthew 6: 21 NIV

[21] For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

This is you.

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I know people would prefer I not write or talk about what happened to my family. I know because they tell me to shut up. I know because they tell other people I am a liar or crazy or at fault. The lines of thinking are terrible and wretched. But the abuse itself….

Is haunting.

I write about what it feels like to have adopted a predator because predators are common. Yesterday I saw an arresting picture of a “shark circle”–hundreds of fish in schools carefully leaving a distance of a few yards between themselves and the shark.

You gotta know a shark to avoid a shark. What if the sharks could assume the shape of an ordinary fish? What would happen to the schools?

I write to stay off of drugs. If I articulate the enduring pain and hauntedness of what happened to my babies I am debreeding a deep and terrible wound. I don’t know if it will ever truly heal.

My adopted son made himself out to be safe. But he wasn’t. My children were victimized. That does not go away.

But I think somehow that if I cry out, mourn, and wail for the things we have lost in trust, hope, and community perhaps my children will not have to.

Or at least they will not grieve alone.

Forever

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He says, I want to live here forever
Can we live here forever?
And I understand what he means–
We are close to heaven
Close to sanctuary

He doesn’t know
What happened to his sister
He doesn’t know
That everything
He does is a reminder
Of how very young she was
The ghost
Hurt my babies.

How do you that?

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Mark 8:35-37 (NIV)
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. [36] What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? [37] Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

I was young–early 20s, and my idea of gaining the whole world was laughably pedestrian–love. I wanted true love.

But God was making it painfully clear that He wanted me to walk away from my dream. He wanted me to be lonely and go far from home. Ugh. I was afraid.

But I was miserable resisting Him. I finally knuckled under–I agreed to try to find a job teaching in China. I agreed, then hoped it was just a test.

Nope. It was the real thing. I went to China and learned that He was all I needed–I wasn’t lonely, I was with Him. He brought me amazing friends. He took care of me. He taught me to stick close.

Sticking close to Jesus is costly. People don’t always think you are a great party guest when you bring Jesus with you. He tends to push uncomfortable issues.

Yet there is a secret: if you are willing to be a loser for him, he…

Gives you true love.

He sent me to China in order to prepare me to get the very precious gifts that I thought he wanted to take.

Go ahead. Try it.
Fall
In love
With Jesus.

Jump in.

Cool

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Being cool.

It was the first illusion I left behind 14 years ago when I became a foster parent. There is no way to be cool when a small irate child is freaking out in your direction.

Now that she is older my adopted daughter’s preferred term for women is b!t?h. When she was mad at me as a child it was bad mommy.

No way to look cool when a small red-faced human is screaming that atcha.

But the truth is: cool is an illusion. Sure you can look great in skinny jeans. Sure you can own a hot tub. Sure you can buy a car, house, watch that defines you.

But make no mistake. Cool is an illusion.

There are no cool ICU patients. No cool nursing home residents. No cool corpses.

We humans are frail, helpless and bound to our mortal ends.

Cool is an illusion.

So if you love cool, if you crave cool, remember this:

There was a guy once who was cool. He was that Guy, the one who said–

Matthew 5:5-7 (NIV)
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. [6] Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. [7] Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Nothing cooler than Jesus.

Because let’s face it. It is easy to say,

greater love has no man than he lay down his life for his friend

Easy to say it. But if you can do it? If you did do it? If you did it for me?

Freakin’ cool.
Because it cost Him everything
And He didn’t even blink

Imagine a box

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Imagine a box
A brightly colored box
Like a present/
Like a gift
Something inside of it
Calling you to life
Christmas morning and all your birthdays
It was the birthdays that got me
The little girl alone in the hospital with army issue socks?
Tragic.
Life is tragic.
But we can all use socks…
You taught me to love
And risk myself
be brave child,
You whispered
Open the box.
Treasure inside.
I promise.

God stories

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When I was a very little girl I thought religion was an insurance policy. I figured God was too busy for personal communication but that church and prayer were our way of joining his club.

I had a stuffed animal named Mouse who was my best friend. I could not imagine life without Mouse. Mouse was a great friend and I could say anything to Mouse. In fact, I worried a great deal about Mouse not going to heaven. I knew that faded bags of foam padding and chintz were not eternal. It was a rough dilemma.

When I was 10 I went to a charismatic prayer group at one of the Catholic churches. I was used to formal prayer but this was wilder–singing, hand raising, speaking in tongues. I did not know what to do.

So I closed my eyes and said, “God, I don’t even know if You are real or not, but if You are, show me.”

I immediately felt an intense love. It was like He had put a blanket of love around my shoulders. Not only was He very real–He loved me!!”. That was a life changing moment.

The rest has been a beautiful love story–perfect on His side, deeply flawed on mine.

I tell people Jesus loves them because He does but also because He has saved my life. I am crazy about Him. I want everyone to get to know Him–the God who is Love.

And Mouse? Well, mouse was always really Jesus

In disguise<3

Love me, love my sheep

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Love has become one of the most abused words in America. It seems to mean a lot of things to a lot of people–sex, pride, ceremony, donuts, but rarely does it resemble the human picture God gave us for love–Jesus, whose name means “God saves.”

How? Poor life, misunderstanding, hunger, humility, some blazing sermons a few resurrections and then the most brutal execution in the history of the universe.

Read that again and think about what it means–Love.

Then He rises from the dead.

Love. Again.

Love is well and thoroughly defined by Jesus but then he lets Paul, James and John define it as well.

Wanna know if you really love?
Ask yourself if you would endure what Jesus endured for someone.

Then for the love of God, protect that person from the dogs–coyotes–wolves of this world.

Because if you won’t it’s not love.

John 21:15-19