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About Elea Lee

Foster parent, adopting parent, family advocate, educator, homeschool parent

Surviving Abuse

It has been 3 years now since I found out that my adopted son had abused children–my children.

Child abuse should never happen, but when it does the survivors need to know that it is not their fault.

For years I lived a full life unaware of the abuse. Terrible legacy. But for the past 3 years my children have lived in safety and have begun to heal.

I shudder to think about the past, but more than that I shudder to think what would have happened without our concerted efforts to bring out the truth.

The truth is Charles will NEVER be safe with children. We should not give predators access to any children.

It is not worth the risk
Not worth the heartbreak

The Servant King

Isaiah 42:1-4 (NIV)
“Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
my chosen one in whom I delight; I will put my Spirit on him, and he will bring justice to the nations. [2] He will not shout or cry out, or raise his voice in the streets. [3] A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice; [4] he will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth. In his teaching the islands will put their hope.”

9-11 and Jessica Ridgeway

Imagine for a second planning a plane trip on September 1st 20001. Think about the beverages and nail clippers you would have blithely stowed in your carry-on luggage.

You would not have had to remove your shoes! You also would have had no fears of homicidal acts of terror. The world changes, we have to face its incipient danger.

I mention 9-11 because we all acknowledge that a balance has to be struck between personal freedom and public safety. None of us wants a world constricted by fear.

That being said, it is time to acknowledge that we are failing our children and ourselves. When our children cannot walk to school in safety we have failed our children. When our children are being lured and snatched in front of schools, hospitals, and libraries in daylight we have failed our children. When one child is lost in one of these cases it should be a cause of universal mourning and rapprochement. It is time for a change.

Parents need to face that law enforcement and “living in a safe place” will not keep our children from harm. We need to look at what predators do and how they think. None of us want to, but we must.

Predators

Live everywhere and if they don’t live close to you, they have cars
Watch children
Monitor patterns of movement
May record and photograph children
Maintain contact with other predators, gaining support and information from others
Have no conscience
Will resort to violence to get what they want
Will lie about everything
Monitor/keep track of what children believe and respond to
Disguise themselves well
Volunteer or work at jobs that give them contact with children
Fool people around them
And are fueled as much by anger as by sexual impulses

Not a fun list, but we must face it. And we have to face the fact that most predators do not get caught or reported. They are “us” and pride themselves on the deception.

They benefit when we ignore them. So let’s not.

And we have to keep our children safe. Many of us remember great freedom when we were young. That freedom is no longer safe. Adults need to stay with children outside all the time. We cannot assume a short walk to school or a park is safe. It is not.

We need to face the hard stories of loss and learn from them. Elizabeth Smart was forcibly abducted by a day laborer. Jaycee Dugard was snatched by a married couple who had tracked her and planned her kidnapping with great detail. Jessica Ridgeway was taken on a short walk to school.

if you are a parent you have to face these stories to keep your child safe.

And we have to teach our children:

If a grown up offers you candy from a vehicle
scream and run for help
No adult needs your help finding a puppy
scream and run
never go anywhere with an adult you don’t know/strong>

We need to give our children permission to defend themselves. We need to teach them self defense and also strategies for escape if the worst happens. And we have to talk about the unthinkable. Our children are irreplaceable. We have to keep them safe. Knowledge is power.

in the words of a predator

The borrowed child

I once borrowed
A child/you could say
Lent.
She was lent to me
Because
her mother was a drug addict…I believed in the system…believed a caseworker…needed infinite
Light

This is not a poem.

She held the world in her eyes
And all the treasure I could have
Begged, borrowed, stolen
I would have traded for her

My in-between child

The little boy whose mother is a chalk angel
Lying beneath
The chaos of war

The little girl who believes the old man in the white car
Who does not really ever
Need her help to find a puppy

The baby glued to a wall
Broken like a vase on the hard stones
Another woman
Laid down on the floor

she would have been a good mother…

Monster.
It is the thing we call
A person who could do that to a child

My baby

He pulls the crystal bowl
Out as I am turned askew
Aside
Asunder

His father viewed this as s trinket
And did not hide it away
High where it could not be reached

Shatters in an instant
And we both
Stand amidst the shards

I say
It is not fair

And scoop him into arms
His siblings distract him from the wreckage

And I sweep up the mess.
Put poultices on the ground

Pretending for a moment
That there is a magic word
For love
Stronger than
Caustic
Glue

Girl
I would reach you
With my arms if I could
With my words if I must
Like walking on water
If I have to…

Resort to prayer.

Stop all the clocks (funeral blues)

funeral blues

First of all, I have to confess, I love Auden but disliked Four Weddings and a Funeral. Until tonight I thought this was an autobiographical poem, not a song piece written for a larger work.

I love all the words. I love the heart and passion of this poem which is so integrally Auden. And it seems so essential that it is he being mourned, not she.

Again, the truth we have to face: the sentiment Auden expresses here is so lovely and profound, how can it be dismissed out of hand?

It can’t. We have to acknowledge that this is a heartbreaking poem of irrevocable love and loss.

I know plenty of straight guys who could learn a few things from Auden.

Normally this is the point in my writing where I would head for a wrap up–state an opinion, back it up with something and then conclusion–voila!

But I won’t today.

Today I just want to say out loud how lovely this anthem of love and grief is. It means something to me–floats in my geriatric repository of words lovely in their truth.

How about you?

What do you think of this complex genius? His body of work and life? And love? He says some amazing things about love…

IKEA erases women

IKEA erases women

A giant multinational furniture company decides to erase images of modestly attired women to appease Saudi Arabian autocracy. And where is the outcry from women all over the world?

Feminism is dead. If not dead, useless, if this egregious act of dehumanizing women produces no response from us.

I went to the company website to protest and was directed to ask “Annie” a question.

I won’t be surprised if she doesn’t answer. She has probably been erased.

Happy Birthday to Me

Last year I had not yet written an obscure self-published memoir called Just: a story of the lost and found.

I was not on Facebook. I was a private citizen wading through the havoc and grief caused by our decision to adopt a boy who would rob us all of our innocence.

My birthday is a watermark. Three years ago I did not know my children were being abused. We found out the weekend of Columbus Day 2009.

Rough memory
It stalks through family
Pictures, movies
Dates and times
No one is safe from it
The dark ominous
Scowl of truth

I have given myself some birthday gifts:
The gift of freedom from what people think
The gift of mobility
The gift of prayer (to the God Who Indeed Lives)
The gift of preservation and strength for my children
I have walked away from people I wanted to trust because they did not fight for my children
I fought instead

So it will be strange for me today, my birthday because I do celebrate these years–this gift of a broken life redeemed.

And I bless my God, my Friend for this new community He has given me

In place of the years
The locusts have eaten

I served my time…

To understand the old woman
Walking down the quiet street
Tonight with a baby
Sleeping in her arms
You would have to look
Back to a room
In a borrowed house
Wooden floors/old carpet
And chairs from a garage sale
Heavy with layers
Of paint the two children
Small, shocking
Red
Hair they match each other not taking
Time outs in those beat up chairs/rooms/carpet
Years I don’t just
Wanna forget
Wanna unravel
Why he could hurt me so much
For so many years
And hurt my babies too?

They wiggle off the chairs
Again and again
Hold them the caseworker says
Hold onto them
I think
Until I had to let them go

The Hell of Words

Once
When you were still a boy
I walked with you
Into cool water in a dying light
No deeper than your waist
Although the gulf itself
Stretched for miles
Out forever

When I draw words for hell
I get them from Sartre
Not Jesus
Or Dante
Like lighting a match
To draw fire

This room is airless enough
The faces of it’s inhabitants
Never vary/a rictus of pain

I wonder…
Are you as afraid as I am
Of the little things
That last
Forever?
And the possibility
That there will be
No way out.