Authentic Friend

I imagine the room is in a church basement. Worn wood, a coffee pot on a table, styrofoam cups, a rows of folding chairs.

Sparsely attended. I cannot see the faces of the other attendees. I know like mine, theirs will be worn, washed of something. Artifice. No room for that here.

I stand and tell them my story. All of it, unadorned, shocking. Only here, in this circle of (imaginary) truth it will not be held against me–my pushy honesty, my tenacious insistence on the whole story. Uncomfortable, impolite. I know. I got it.

Most places now I tell myself, shut up, you know now they don’t wanna hear this.

That is why I return to this picture in my head–a simple circle of truth, where every secret thing is revealed. So no one is shocked when the truth is what it is—

We all
Underestimate
Jesus.

Who is your mama?

I was not just taught to respect my elders, I was the kind of kid who desperately needed to do the right thing to gain their love and approval. I loved my mom. Fought for her. Needed her.

So now that I am an adult and a parent it is painful for me to realize how terribly off-kilter my relationship with my mother was. I did not see clearly how frayed and diminished her feelings for me were but I did live in fear of her temper. The kind of fear you might have if you were the guy hit by lightning five or six times. Always looking over your shoulder. Always afraid of the storms.

So Mother’s Day is a bit ambivalent to me. Not just because I am too stubborn to just look at the bright side. I also have some interesting experiences as a fostering mother, an adopting mother, and a losing mother.

But one thing is clear: God is my mom. His voice was there before I knew what to call Him. He nurtured me, loved me openly without reserve, and sent people to me who loved me voluntarily so that I would know that I could be loved. That I was lovable.

I use the past tense because now I know.. Growing up I constantly doubted. How could I be lovable in light of my mother’s warped mirror?

She sees me a monster. He sees me his little girl. I have learned to cling to that, To run to Him in grief and in joy. To acknowledge the treasure of His surpassing love.

And gather the evidence of His boundless love–all His little ones scattered abroad.

Each one of us…
Loved.

Best Nim Chow in Port Lavaca, Texas…

We have some dear friends who run a wonderful Asian restaurant in Port Lavaca, Texas.

They are originally from Cambodia and for many, many years they have been separated from their older children.

Today I got an amazing and wonderful Mother’s Day gift. I got to meet the whole family!!!!

I am so grateful they have been reunited after years of hard work and waiting.

And if you are in or near Port Lavaca, stop by their restaurant–The Four Seasons. All the food is delicious.

Breast-…wait for it

This was years ago. We were at a Christian summer camp and two of the camp nurses took me aside and chastised me for nursing (under a nursing shield) in sight of campers.

They said I needed to retreat to a bathroom so as not to…offend people.

I find this story itself replete with ironies, but none more than this–

The camp is connected to a chain of stores that sells inappropriate magazines at the checkout stations.

I contacted the headquarters to complain–no one should have to run a gauntlet of trashy magazines to buy milk. I kept the emailed response–

at least it was not frontal nudity.

The media rep responded.

Our society has a serious disjunct. Get coeds to tart your wings in skimpy outfits? Hurray for capitalism and feminism! See a woman discreetly nursing a child? Be offended!

God forbid we should use our breasts in public…wait for it…for the one completely life-giving thing they were designed to do.

The Witness

It is 3 flipping twenty in the morning and I have written myself out of a paper bag several times recently. But not this time.

This time I give you a picture–our protagonist is at the brink of death when the neighboring Amish descend over the rolling Pennsylvania hillside–their quiet presence ostensibly saving the life of young Harrison Ford.

I am naive to believe in those faux Amish extras. To quote Isaiah:

stop trusting in men

This is the last day of April. Much has happened this month, not much fan fare about the victims of crime and child abuse. Quiet. Too quiet. As I have quipped before–no one wants to be the spokesperson for dysentery relief, too stinky.

I want to say this–I am not sorry I have been a vociferous child advocate. I am only sorry I have failed. My children are not safe. Neither are yours.

When I feel the despair of the freakishly ignored I understand why most victims of child sexual abuse never share their story–it is worse to tell your story and be treated like a freak than keep quiet and attempt to mend alone.

It is as though our children were naturally able to count with their hands but each time they gave us the correct answer we slapped their hands and told them to parrot a wrong answer–like carrot or France.

You might ask yourself how dizzying, confusing, and painful it would be to know that 2 plus 2 is four, not Siberia, but never to be allowed to say.

I don’t have to ask. I know.

3:34 am

Fairy Tale Beginnings

Imagine you are a reasonably attractive young person in your 20s. You are educated and have an interesting job with growth potential.

Then…you enter into a completely voluntary relationship with two fairy tale creatures. Think frog in well, old lady at door of castle material. There is a spell that has been cast over them, you, intrepid young person, must break the spell!

This requires enduring a lot of verbal abuse, physical abuse (fairy tale creatures are small but fierce and sometimes quite wild).

You hang on, barely, telling yourself each day that the humiliation and loss you feel is worth the investment in these small people, I mean enchanted creatures. Someone has to break enchantments, why not you?

Yolo; I know. That is part of the heartbreak. To “waste” your youth on the ungrateful and the enslaved can feel like desert living.

When they get older, larger, and more criminal, it can feel like…well let’s just say not a fairy tale.

The other people in the enchanted woods look a little queasy when you spill your tale–what? No magic reveal? No broken spells? What the heck?!

You can see it in their faces–please stay away from us, we live in this forest and are invested in keeping up magic appearances.

But you know the secret–dark, sad, but unavoidable secret. There is only one happily ever after and there is only one handsome prince.

He was the unlikeliest of Redeemer Princes–unremarkable, a tradesman. Itinerate, shekel-less. He died a miserable death and seemed to indicate there would be rough and uncertain times for his kingdom.

His spell-breaking talisman seemed a little too brief–follow me.

Like we would want to do that. Like that would be pretty. Like hell itself would be a picnic.

But of course, hell was just a place on a narrow road for him. It was not his destination. So keep up, girl, the story isn’t over…

Isaiah 58

Disfigured vs. Transfigured

This story will seem disjunctive to you:

It is late in the season for chicks. We are at a friend’s farm. A very kind friend. A good listener. We are recovering from a great blow to the heart of the family

My young son finds an egg in the chicken coop. He cradles it gently in his hands and runs into the kitchen where several large goose eggs are incubating.

A month later little Biscuit is born. Hatched, if you will.

My son saved that one small feathered life from being scrambled. A small story.

I have been thinking about what it is we are and what we are becoming. None of us will stay in our eggs forever. We will break out to splendor or be cracked over a waiting pot.

Mark 9:2 (NIV)
After six days Jesus took Peter, James and John with him and led them up a high mountain, where they were all alone. There he was transfigured before them.

I am going to unspool this strange story tomorrow. But for tonight only this–are you being disfigured or transfigured by the small events of your life? Your secret fears? You abiding passions?

When Jesus is revealed in secret his splendor is unforgettable.

When you and I are exposed for our true and eternal selves, what will people see?

Splendor or the pot?

After the Sea

We sleep in boats
Strewn out across
An unending sea
Cling to blankets, shelter, each other

An archipelago of contained air
All that holds us
Up inflatable dinghies,
Flotsam unstable

We call to each other
Sun-drenched dazed
Testing our new words
Like… beach balls….
Flood….
Antediluvian–
post-apocalyptic always

Cup your hands
Across your eyes
Look to the deep
Where the leviathan hides

Home.

An Interventionist God

Mark 9:1 (NIV)
And he said to them, “I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the kingdom of God come with power.”

I don’t often suffer from writer’s block. I am bossy enough to write about something. But I do suffer from faith block and I do suffer from what-is-the-point-malaise. This is a malady wherein you seriously doubt you are doing lasting good. it has a nasty kick–discouragement and grief, loneliness, spiritual myopia.

This pronouncement of Jesus’ is enigmatic. All the disciples would eventually taste death–some quite unpleasant. What did he mean?

The kingdom of God is Jesus. His power over hell is defining–AD versus BC defining. We all must see this power–this complete and perfect ability of Jesus, king of heaven, to rob hell and death of their eternal sting.

That is power indeed. All else falls in behind.