Bryan Singer: compromising positions

Posted on May 6, 2014 by Elea Lee

When I first read about the accusations against Bryan Singer I thought–why does a grown man party with teens? Alcohol? Drugs? Young men?

But I also acknowledged that the alleged victim was waging an uphill battle. The gold standard for predators is they have a modus operandi. And modus operandi means multiple crimes.

In this case–multiple victims.

Now that a second young man is alleging abuse, the Bryan Singer story should be big news–criminal charges big news.

And yet it is not. Cutesy stories about celebrity posturing dominate the news, while all the usual suspects look the other way and assiduously avoid asking the obvious questions–is Hollywood populated with older men preying upon the young and vulnerable for sex?

‘Cause that kind of sex has a name–rape.

Methinks the Bryan Singer doth protest too much

Posted on April 25, 2014 by Elea Lee

I got the jist of the accusations against Bry Singer and others by a man who claims they abused him as a teen.

Now I just marvel at the adjectives–Singer and the others use words like “vicious” when they decry what appears to be merely a legitimate and properly filed strain on the democratically appointed federal justice system.

“Vicious” is a word best reserved for egregious crimes like the abuse of children, not a rather bloodless and well-governed law suit.

Singer and the other defendants in this case remind me of a real-and-true child abuser I know. His go-to response to allegations of abuse?

He starts swearing and threatening. And never, never discusses whether he had the motive and opportunity to abuse his alleged victims.

Vicious?

Vicious is when you rob and defraud a child of their trust and childhood.

Anything else is just a question of the law and money.

The law…

And money.

A Letter to Cersei

Posted on April 21, 2014 by Elea Lee

I did not watch the depiction of your “fictional” rape, I hold that these depictions hurt real victims of rape and incest. And make no mistake–the real victims are all around us.

So forgive me if I address you as “real.” You are real to me because friends and relatives of mine are the victims of both rape and incest. Most shared their stories because I shared mine–

My daughters were molested by a person they considered a brother. By adoption, by a terribly misplaced trust he was…their brother.

And he abused this trust.

The lurid depiction of rape and incest for the purpose of making money, selling ad space, and entertainment is not ok. Never ok.

And if you were real this is what I would tell you–

Love protects.

Love covers and defends.

Love never violates trust.

And love demands justice, truth, and protection for the survivors of incest.

If you were real I would tell you call the police. Go to a doctor. Call me. I will be there through this nightmare of broken trust.

No one should view rape as entertainment. Ever. And what a terrible measurement of us, all of us, that we would tune in for your “fictional” rape and tune out to all those around us who are haunted by the grief and loneliness and pain caused by these real crimes in our so-broken world.

Prophesy to the Breath

Posted on April 6, 2014 by Elea Lee

Well, to start with you should know: Ezekiel’s life was no walk in the park.

Stroll in the bone-strewn valley, perhaps.

He lost people he loved.

He was constrained by God to do wacky, uncomfortable, challenging, and humbling things.

And in return–visions. Beautiful visions.

And here is God, taking him out to the dead husks of a human wasteland to challenge his faith.

Do you believe God can raise the dead?

Do you?

Sometimes people can still have a pulse and seem so dead. The idea that a murderer or child molester could be resurrected to a compassionate life?

Almost feels harder than Ezekiel’s bones.

But God makes the injunction:

Ezekiel 37:9-10 (NIV)
Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, `This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’ ” [10] So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

I confess, I believe God can make these dry bones live.

I believe Ezekiel can prophesy to the breath.

Lord, help my unbelief.

In You, dear Ransomer.

Shame on Harvard

Posted on April 6, 2014 by Elea Lee

Reading the Oo sexual assault p & r page has a grim, surreal quality after reading about the reality of this rape survivor.

Really? Y’all planning to take back the night? Not sure you know how. So here is a crash course:

Don’t marginalize the victim.

Don’t pretend the victim is mentally unbalanced.

Don’t deny the story.

Don’t shelter the perp.

Don’t even shelter the alleged perp.

And hey, people, it is your job to both report alleged criminal activity to law enforcement and provide support for the victim of an alleged crime.

It is not your job to suppress allegations of felony rape just because you are afraid it might muck up your brand.

Because, newsflash peeps: brand tarnished.

Did you learn nothing from Penn State?

Nothing at all?

“I Can’t Read This!”

Posted on April 1, 2014 by Elea Lee

The man bore an uncanny resemblance to Michael Jackson. His speech was staccato and robotic. Clearly scripted.

He wanted me to believe that I should buy magazines from him because

1. He had a rough life
2. He had an eleven year old daughter
3. He was from New York City
4. He was doing God’s work
5. By selling magazines he was helping teens see the world
6. I live in a nice house in a nice place, he would like to live there.

I listened when I wanted to send him on his way. This was not my first magazine appeal. Sometimes it has been children’s books for the needy.

If you don’t need what they are peddling they press you to donate.

One pair of salesmen promised to come back and wash my windows shortly after they (they–two strapping college dudes) said hopefully I wouldn’t kidnap them.

One (my hero) took a donation from me to hand out copies of poetry books.

And he did. He handed them out when he could have just dumped them.

But this fella yesterday did not take my book. I gave him snacks, someone else’s poetry book, some rocking ties and a copy of Just.

He asked what it was about and when I told him he returned it to me. Said it was too sad and he couldn’t bear to read it.

I told him I understood.

Contemplating Evil

Posted on March 25, 2014 by Elea Lee

We knew that the abuse had happened, he had been caught in the act. Because he was (and is) a child predator, he was very good at masking evil.

He was not the first child molester I knew who did this. They all do.

All do what? They all do unbearable, unspeakable things to children and then call those things by ordinary names.

It was an ugly conversation.

We went around in circles. He would say he had put his victims on his lap. He would say they played “house” or “husband and wife.”

He subverted the ordinary.

So finally I got a placeholder–an ordinary piece of luggage. In exasperation I gave it to him and said, show me what you are talking about.

He did not want to. Reenacting the facsimile of abuse was too close to the truth for both of us, but it put the lie to his words.

The devil in the details.

He grooms everyone. And he looks for weakness and opportunity the way an addict looks for drugs–relentlessly.

That night I realized how close his words and descriptions were to another child molester who had described sexual assault as “holding” on his “lap.”

Their “innocuous” descriptions of unspeakable evil were the same. The devastation and pain they created in the lives of innocent victims were also the same.

And yet we all look away. We plug our ears and turn away.

If we were brave and faced it straight up we would see the patterns in the lives of child molesters. We would be forced to face how much they rely on adults not intervening.

They count on us looking away. Because when we do we give them all the opportunity they need…

to abuse again.

Goodbye Baby

Posted on March 14, 2014 by Elea Lee

If I had the picture still
I would be sure to send it to you
The one that survived the fire, your father’s wrath

I know
It is all mythological
Just Zeus
Arguing about what he had for dinner
Who,
Who he had for dinner

Her first words
Carefully recorded by the state of Pennsylvania–

Charles, I am going to kick your ass

Hardly appropriate words for a lullaby

Ask him how your mother lost her
Teeth
Children, like soldiers sewn in a field

You cannot redeem
Yourself
Your life
The smallest act of violence

The crickets and amphibian victims
Of your pitiless mind

Mind your manners broken boy–

Lung cancer is the last stigmatized
Cancer

You say you smoke too much

Too many
Too many victims

Goodbye baby
Read Dante or John
The Beloved for how this will end

Without me.

When we are weak

Posted on November 10, 2013 by Elea Lee

This was over a decade ago. A small storefront church, a young mother speaking.

She spoke about a children’s song–

Jesus loves me this I know/for the Bible tells me so/little ones to him belong/they are weak, but he is strong/

The song is so simple, so elemental, but it is only a portion of a longer hymn few of us know or sing.

We like the idea of Jesus being strong until he requires something of us.

We like the idea of Jesus being strong until he requires us to acknowledge our weakness.

We are weak. All of us. There is not a living creature on the planet who can stave off death, yet we cling to the illusion of our self-sufficiency.

The young mother that day was focused on the call of the Gospel–one man able to save us from death forever, and how to bind that good news to her children, all God’s children.

How many times have you heard a person cry out in grief and pain and then seen people answer–

stay strong/you are strong.

No. You are not. None of are. We are weak. That is the point–we are weak. He is strong.
So when sin and grief and pain hit you hard remember this: the song is true.

We are weak
He is strong
Only his strength can save us
From the swirling darkness of this
Dying world

The Heroic Dog, Bad Babysitter…and you

Posted on September 14, 2013 by Elea Lee

Don’t get me wrong…I think the dog who saved the baby is a hero. And I think it was smart and canny of the owners/parents to register the canine’s distress and believe the dog.

And yet…

My own experience as a very noisy advocate for abused and neglected children has been the opposite of the dog’s.

When I barked out my story people distanced themselves or shut down…they sometimes told me just shut up.

I am 43 and can take the discomfort. But how about all the child victims? Shouldn’t they get the same support and protection as the baby in the story.

I guess what I am saying is this–don’t mindlessly forward a story about a heroic dog if you are not willing to be a heroic person.

All it takes is a little time to growl at the bad guys, let someone know. Listen to anyone who makes a cry for help.

All our children deserve a defender like that.

And…in my experience, a person who would slap a baby is capable of hurting the dog too. We all have a right to live free from abuse.

Carrying Light

Words for light

Category Archives: abuse survivors